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With our economy in crisis, the US Government is scrambling to rescue our banks by purchasing their "distressed assets", i.e., assets that no one else wants to buy from them. We figured that instead of protesting this plan, we'd give regular Americans the same opportunity to sell their bad assets to the government. We need your help and you need the Government's help!
Use the form below to submit bad assets you'd like the government to take off your hands. And remember, when estimating the value of your 1997 limited edition Hanson single CD "MMMbop", it's not what you can sell these items for that matters, it's what you think they are worth. The fact that you think they are worth more than anyone will buy them for is what makes them bad assets.
The Great British Public
Gordon Brown, our Prime Minister raised taxes by 51% and spent it all. The country is broke and the financial system he designed has collapsed. But 36% of the Great British Public think he is the best man to deal with the crisis.
$3.50
MILLI VANILLI CD
One copy of a very putrid Milli Vanilli CD, warped by the sun while sitting on the top of my garage for several years.
$22,279.00
The US Constitution
I am selling the u.s constitution on ebay since we dont seem to be using it any longer
http://cgi.ebay.com/ws/eBayISAPI.dll...m=270278962494
$0.00
good for nuttins
credit cards, discover, cit bank, gap, chase, mbna, mortgage to world savings, equity line to world savings, debt to MIL
$450,000.00
My Cat's Ass
My cat's ass is pretty special (at least she thinks so). And like the fat cats on Wall Street, she likes it when I clean up her box, so five minutes later she's right back in there leaving a fresh pile for me. She gives me the business every single day. And I'm tired of it.
Here's the deal: I'm offering an end to this abusive cycle. Instead of running from one litter box to the next, cleaning up the Savings and Loan debacle, then the Airlines industry, and now Wall Street, I'm offering the going out of business sale.
This really is the cat's ass of a deal.
$0.39
My empty anti-depressant/anxiety/ocd bottles
I am going to be without out health insurance, and I need a bailout. About four years worth. Yeah, pretty worthless.
$8,928.00
recording of palin being witchcrafterd
the government should pay me $49523.56 for the distress of having this recording (http://irregulartimes.com/palinwitcraftprotection.mov) brainwashing my small head. in case cain-palin wins, the thought of the nightmare following is already crushing whatever brain cells I have left, thus I demand tenfold compensation.
$49,523.60
Stinky shoes
Stinky old payless shoes soiled with old dirty sweat!!!
$1,999.99
Ben Bernanke Action Figure
Drops Money from helicopter, no questions asked. collectors item buy it now
$16.51
US/Mexico Border sign
Misinterpreted by Illegal aliens as an invitation to come into the US. Pretty much worthless except for scrap value.
$10.00
Alternative Energy
Methane in the making
50#s per day per horse Endless supply
$10.00
25,000 Golden parachutes
25,000 Golden parachutes. No strings attached! Bargain. With free goggles this week only.
$50.00
All of the Now Worthless WaMu Stocks
And any other soon to be worthless banks that will crash in this crisis.
http://www.marketwatch.com/news/story/wamu-fails-sold-jp-morgan/story.as...
$0.00
The Free Market (tm)
Own The Free Market(tm). Yes sir, you can be the proud owner of the American Free Market(tm)! Includes: Free Trade Agreements such as NAFTA that are designed to completely screw the average american up the pooperoo, Work Visas that will completely stop Americans from developing productive careers, Congressional Lobby Vouchers to make sure that taxation favors the major monopolies. Don't worry Americans won't notice one bit, they'll just keep reading 'Entrepreneur' magazine and slaving away at their pointless little lives!
BUY NOW! as we are currently considering bids from China!
$4,000,000.00
Athlete's Foot
Just like this economic crisis, it hurts, it makes it hard to go to work, and it's caused by freeloading parasitic slime.
$855.00
White House Press Correspondent
no one is really sure why there is a gay male prostitute posing as a press correspondent in the White House. Routinely acquired White House press passes despite no real background as a journalist. Some link him to Johnny Gosch, a child who went missing and was thought to have disappeared into the child sex slave trade.
$10,000,000.00
The American Economy
yes sir, this here economy is the most efficient marketplace on earth! nothing but a lean, mean production machine! no excess or corruption here! you must be thinking of some other economy, like Venezuela for instance.
$70,000.00
Putin's Rearing Head
Humugous foreign leader's cranium. Able to menance the United States by swelling to 8 billion times its
normal 18 inch volume. Only "those" sent out by Alaska can defend against it.
But it now, before we all end up as inhabitants of Putin's acne pores.
$99,000,000.00
My Senator, chairman of the Senate Finance Committee
My Senator has taken $768,518 for this election cycle from securities and investments and $197,880 from banks. This includes Goldman Sachs, $48,900; AIG, $46,750; $37,000 from JPMorgan-Chase; $36,500 from Citigroup; and $29,500 from Morgan Stanley. The amount he is "worth" ($10,872,340) is what he's raised in this election cycle alone, when his republican opponent is Bob Kelleher, an 85 year old perennial candidate whose plank is parliamentarianism (maybe not such a bad idea) and who has run under just about every political banner there is.
$10,872,300.00
Sen. Larry Craig's Disposable Toilet Seat Paper Cover (used)
Found in a toilet stall at the Minneapolis-St. Paul International Airport. Might find his DNA on it.
http://thelede.blogs.nytimes.com/2007/09/17/the-latest-tourist-attractio...
$6.66
Used fight jacket
Used only once on May 1, 2003. Good condition.
$6.66
The Ownership Society
They told me Florida real estate was a good investment......
$1,015,000.00
Barney Frank, Chris Dodd, Chuck Schumer, Nancy Pelosi, Harry Reid
Marxist Socialist Commie Crooks who plot to overthrow the Constitution of the United States of America.
$1,000.00
My ex-wife
Worthless lying financially irresponsible ex-wife who took my house, looks and acts a lot like the mortgage industry.
$700,000,000.00
The media
Hyperventilating 24/7 talking heads putting country in panic, constantly in "breaking news," crisis mode for ratings
$5.00
Washington, DC
Lotta nice buildings, luxurious furnishings, drone army of uneducated egomaniacs. Moral compass and common sense not included.
$50.00
Bogus Global Warming Hype
A Highly Toxic Mass of Deadly Di-Hydrogenated Oxide!
Al Gore Help us All!
$911.00
Bill Gates
Founder of windows operating system and complete piece of shit
$5,000,000,000.00
Reciting doll - she does wink, too!
Able to memorize and recite abstract and obscure answers.
$0.66
National Socialism Fire Sale!
The Corporatization of Amerika is about to end, and we've got to get this wretched economic/political theory out the door! Available for 10-cents on the dollar, this bankrupt way of "business as usual" is imploding on a worldwide level, so now's the time to get a bunker full of privatized goodies! Banks, investment houses, and a wide range of broken corporations (and their broken hearted former employees...) can be wired directly into your bank account! Get on board now, before the barter system returns!
$0.10
Used Candidate's Wife
Her husband has used her for her beer money -- why shouldn't you?!? This well-dressed, slightly worn out candidate's wife has perfected the art of standing perfectly still -- even next to smelly, offensive old men! Comes with a 30 day supply of Vicodin.
$777,777.00
My Federal Reserve Chairman and Treasury Secretary
I'm going to sell you my Treasury Secretary and Federal Reserve Chairman. Sure, you already "own" these fellows, but I'm pretty sure you are dumb enough to buy them again, and again! In fact, if you don't buy them, their value will go down, and that is unpatriotic! Judging from how these chaps have worked I value them at $5T... seeing as how they are able to fool whole countries in to throwing money their way...
$10,000,000,000.00
Enron Stock
About 40 billion in Enron Stock Certificates that are piled in my garage!
$40,000,000.00
My Pet Lizard
My pet lizard is a bit ripped up and will die soon. His temper is really bad now.
$3.00
Economy
One formerly thriving, vital national economy. Now gutted like a fish. Thanks a lot dickheads. You killed the goose that laid the golden egg.
$700,000,000.00
Jenna Bush
First daughter Jenna Bush shows how to PARTEE! This is inappropriate given her Dad's record in office, so she has to be sold off.
$0.03
The Predatory Federal Reserve System
The Double Headed Parasitic Slavemasters are in control.
Both the Right wing and Left wing flap in Hegelian delight to feast upon us all.
$1,913.00
Learn the Ancient Art of Ass Grabbing
With only one Master of this disappearing martial art form left, you'd better take advantage of this offer right away while the old man is still able to lift his arms! Perfected in the cold northern climes of neolithic Europe, this fascinating practice teaches you how to take on your opponent while keep your hands warm! Once credited for the pink man's dominance over Africa, this technique is about to top the shit heap of history, so act now!
$100,000,000.00
Bloomberg "news" editor
This guy's role apparently is to defend Bloomberg "news" stories even when already shown to contain factual inaccuracies: "I wanted to reiterate that we stand by our story as published. Your attorneys may contact our Global Media Counsel"... quack quack
$0.00
Aged child molester with exchangeable nose
"But, If
You're Thinkin'
About My Baby
It Don't Matter If You're
Black Or White"
$100,000.00
Socialist Obama Blow Up Doll
In Love with "The One"? Here's your chance to show how much with the Official Obama Blow Up Doll. Gay or Straight, Obama longingly waits for you to "vote early and often"!
$0.69
Iceland
Comes with 300,000 people. Great fixer-upper. Lots of potential.
Includes:
Great view of aurora borealis
Long winter nights
Volcanic features,
Geysers and Glaciers
Self-contained geothermal power
Esoteric language
It's own currency (subject to change in escrow)
healthy fishing industry.
Elves, dwarves and faries
Sheep
Long summer days
Bjork sold separately
$3.50
With our economy in crisis, the US Government is scrambling to rescue our banks by purchasing their "distressed assets", i.e., assets that no one else wants to buy from them. We figured that instead of protesting this plan, we'd give regular Americans the same opportunity to sell their bad assets to the government. We need your help and you need the Government's help!
Use the form below to submit bad assets you'd like the government to take off your hands. And remember, when estimating the value of your 1997 limited edition Hanson single CD "MMMbop", it's not what you can sell these items for that matters, it's what you think they are worth. The fact that you think they are worth more than anyone will buy them for is what makes them bad assets.
Gordon Brown, our Prime Minister raised taxes by 51% and spent it all. The country is broke and the financial system he designed has collapsed. But 36% of the Great British Public think he is the best man to deal with the crisis.$3.50
MILLI VANILLI CD
One copy of a very putrid Milli Vanilli CD, warped by the sun while sitting on the top of my garage for several years.$22,279.00
The US Constitution
I am selling the u.s constitution on ebay since we dont seem to be using it any longerhttp://cgi.ebay.com/ws/eBayISAPI.dll...m=270278962494
$0.00
good for nuttins
credit cards, discover, cit bank, gap, chase, mbna, mortgage to world savings, equity line to world savings, debt to MIL$450,000.00
My Cat's Ass
My cat's ass is pretty special (at least she thinks so). And like the fat cats on Wall Street, she likes it when I clean up her box, so five minutes later she's right back in there leaving a fresh pile for me. She gives me the business every single day. And I'm tired of it.Here's the deal: I'm offering an end to this abusive cycle. Instead of running from one litter box to the next, cleaning up the Savings and Loan debacle, then the Airlines industry, and now Wall Street, I'm offering the going out of business sale.
This really is the cat's ass of a deal.
$0.39
My empty anti-depressant/anxiety/ocd bottles
I am going to be without out health insurance, and I need a bailout. About four years worth. Yeah, pretty worthless.$8,928.00
recording of palin being witchcrafterd
the government should pay me $49523.56 for the distress of having this recording (http://irregulartimes.com/palinwitcraftprotection.mov) brainwashing my small head. in case cain-palin wins, the thought of the nightmare following is already crushing whatever brain cells I have left, thus I demand tenfold compensation.$49,523.60
Stinky shoes
Stinky old payless shoes soiled with old dirty sweat!!!$1,999.99
Ben Bernanke Action Figure
Drops Money from helicopter, no questions asked. collectors item buy it now$16.51
US/Mexico Border sign
Misinterpreted by Illegal aliens as an invitation to come into the US. Pretty much worthless except for scrap value.$10.00
Alternative Energy
Methane in the making50#s per day per horse Endless supply
$10.00
25,000 Golden parachutes
25,000 Golden parachutes. No strings attached! Bargain. With free goggles this week only.$50.00
All of the Now Worthless WaMu Stocks
And any other soon to be worthless banks that will crash in this crisis.http://www.marketwatch.com/news/story/wamu-fails-sold-jp-morgan/story.as...
$0.00
The Free Market (tm)
Own The Free Market(tm). Yes sir, you can be the proud owner of the American Free Market(tm)! Includes: Free Trade Agreements such as NAFTA that are designed to completely screw the average american up the pooperoo, Work Visas that will completely stop Americans from developing productive careers, Congressional Lobby Vouchers to make sure that taxation favors the major monopolies. Don't worry Americans won't notice one bit, they'll just keep reading 'Entrepreneur' magazine and slaving away at their pointless little lives! BUY NOW! as we are currently considering bids from China!
$4,000,000.00
Athlete's Foot
Just like this economic crisis, it hurts, it makes it hard to go to work, and it's caused by freeloading parasitic slime.$855.00
White House Press Correspondent
no one is really sure why there is a gay male prostitute posing as a press correspondent in the White House. Routinely acquired White House press passes despite no real background as a journalist. Some link him to Johnny Gosch, a child who went missing and was thought to have disappeared into the child sex slave trade.$10,000,000.00
The American Economy
yes sir, this here economy is the most efficient marketplace on earth! nothing but a lean, mean production machine! no excess or corruption here! you must be thinking of some other economy, like Venezuela for instance.$70,000.00
Putin's Rearing Head
Humugous foreign leader's cranium. Able to menance the United States by swelling to 8 billion times itsnormal 18 inch volume. Only "those" sent out by Alaska can defend against it.
But it now, before we all end up as inhabitants of Putin's acne pores.
$99,000,000.00
My Senator, chairman of the Senate Finance Committee
My Senator has taken $768,518 for this election cycle from securities and investments and $197,880 from banks. This includes Goldman Sachs, $48,900; AIG, $46,750; $37,000 from JPMorgan-Chase; $36,500 from Citigroup; and $29,500 from Morgan Stanley. The amount he is "worth" ($10,872,340) is what he's raised in this election cycle alone, when his republican opponent is Bob Kelleher, an 85 year old perennial candidate whose plank is parliamentarianism (maybe not such a bad idea) and who has run under just about every political banner there is.$10,872,300.00
Sen. Larry Craig's Disposable Toilet Seat Paper Cover (used)
Found in a toilet stall at the Minneapolis-St. Paul International Airport. Might find his DNA on it.http://thelede.blogs.nytimes.com/2007/09/17/the-latest-tourist-attractio...
$6.66
Used fight jacket
Used only once on May 1, 2003. Good condition.$6.66
The Ownership Society
They told me Florida real estate was a good investment......$1,015,000.00
Barney Frank, Chris Dodd, Chuck Schumer, Nancy Pelosi, Harry Reid
Marxist Socialist Commie Crooks who plot to overthrow the Constitution of the United States of America.$1,000.00
My ex-wife
Worthless lying financially irresponsible ex-wife who took my house, looks and acts a lot like the mortgage industry.$700,000,000.00
The media
Hyperventilating 24/7 talking heads putting country in panic, constantly in "breaking news," crisis mode for ratings$5.00
Washington, DC
Lotta nice buildings, luxurious furnishings, drone army of uneducated egomaniacs. Moral compass and common sense not included.$50.00
Bogus Global Warming Hype
A Highly Toxic Mass of Deadly Di-Hydrogenated Oxide!Al Gore Help us All!
$911.00
Bill Gates
Founder of windows operating system and complete piece of shit$5,000,000,000.00
Reciting doll - she does wink, too!
Able to memorize and recite abstract and obscure answers.$0.66
National Socialism Fire Sale!
The Corporatization of Amerika is about to end, and we've got to get this wretched economic/political theory out the door! Available for 10-cents on the dollar, this bankrupt way of "business as usual" is imploding on a worldwide level, so now's the time to get a bunker full of privatized goodies! Banks, investment houses, and a wide range of broken corporations (and their broken hearted former employees...) can be wired directly into your bank account! Get on board now, before the barter system returns!$0.10
Used Candidate's Wife
Her husband has used her for her beer money -- why shouldn't you?!? This well-dressed, slightly worn out candidate's wife has perfected the art of standing perfectly still -- even next to smelly, offensive old men! Comes with a 30 day supply of Vicodin.$777,777.00
My Federal Reserve Chairman and Treasury Secretary
I'm going to sell you my Treasury Secretary and Federal Reserve Chairman. Sure, you already "own" these fellows, but I'm pretty sure you are dumb enough to buy them again, and again! In fact, if you don't buy them, their value will go down, and that is unpatriotic! Judging from how these chaps have worked I value them at $5T... seeing as how they are able to fool whole countries in to throwing money their way...$10,000,000,000.00
Enron Stock
About 40 billion in Enron Stock Certificates that are piled in my garage!$40,000,000.00
My Pet Lizard
My pet lizard is a bit ripped up and will die soon. His temper is really bad now.$3.00
Economy
One formerly thriving, vital national economy. Now gutted like a fish. Thanks a lot dickheads. You killed the goose that laid the golden egg.$700,000,000.00
Jenna Bush
First daughter Jenna Bush shows how to PARTEE! This is inappropriate given her Dad's record in office, so she has to be sold off.$0.03
The Predatory Federal Reserve System
The Double Headed Parasitic Slavemasters are in control.Both the Right wing and Left wing flap in Hegelian delight to feast upon us all.
$1,913.00
Learn the Ancient Art of Ass Grabbing
With only one Master of this disappearing martial art form left, you'd better take advantage of this offer right away while the old man is still able to lift his arms! Perfected in the cold northern climes of neolithic Europe, this fascinating practice teaches you how to take on your opponent while keep your hands warm! Once credited for the pink man's dominance over Africa, this technique is about to top the shit heap of history, so act now!$100,000,000.00
Bloomberg "news" editor
This guy's role apparently is to defend Bloomberg "news" stories even when already shown to contain factual inaccuracies: "I wanted to reiterate that we stand by our story as published. Your attorneys may contact our Global Media Counsel"... quack quack$0.00
Aged child molester with exchangeable nose
"But, IfYou're Thinkin'
About My Baby
It Don't Matter If You're
Black Or White"
$100,000.00
Socialist Obama Blow Up Doll
In Love with "The One"? Here's your chance to show how much with the Official Obama Blow Up Doll. Gay or Straight, Obama longingly waits for you to "vote early and often"!$0.69
Iceland
Comes with 300,000 people. Great fixer-upper. Lots of potential. Includes:
Great view of aurora borealis
Long winter nights
Volcanic features,
Geysers and Glaciers
Self-contained geothermal power
Esoteric language
It's own currency (subject to change in escrow)
healthy fishing industry.
Elves, dwarves and faries
Sheep
Long summer days
Bjork sold separately
$3.50
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