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Lessons from the Gospel according to Saint Mammon
Very amusing:
Lessons from the Gospel according to Saint Mammon
By Andrew Hill
The message to the City from the Archbishops of Canterbury and York seems to be one of doom and despondency. But there are plenty of uplifting texts by which bankers can live the next phase of the credit crunch. Here’s one:
And seeing the multitudes of redundant and/or nervous bankers, he went up into a mountain (or nearest tall, unlet Canary Wharf skyscraper): and when he was set, his disciples came unto him: and he opened his mouth, and taught them, saying:
Blessed are the banks: for they shall inherit the earth (at least those that are systemically important shall).
Blessed are the poor in stock options: for their hopes of undreamt-of wealth were never as exalted as those of their colleagues.
Blessed are they that mourn: for they shall be comforted in their joblessness by riches accumulated over their career and shall have plenty of free time to preach annoyingly for the rest of their lives about how others were to blame for the collapse of capitalism.
Blessed are the meek: for they were not, and never shall be, eligible for jobs in investment banking.
Blessed are they which do hunger and thirst after righteousness: for they shall find lower-paid but, if you like that kind of thing, actually rather rewarding positions with the Financial Services Authority.
Blessed are the merciful: particularly if they’re the ones taking the decisions about the next round of job-cuts.
Blessed are the bonus-takers: for they shall be very few in number in 2008-09.
Blessed are the pure in heart: ditto.
Blessed are ye, when men shall revile you, and persecute you, and shall say all manner of evil against you falsely: for, if your company’s stock is listed, you may for once be able to prosecute your revilers successfully for market manipulation.
Rejoice, and be exceedingly glad: for great is your reward in heaven – or in the next bull market, whichever comes first.
Here endeth the lesson (if not the credit crunch).
By Andrew Hill
The message to the City from the Archbishops of Canterbury and York seems to be one of doom and despondency. But there are plenty of uplifting texts by which bankers can live the next phase of the credit crunch. Here’s one:
And seeing the multitudes of redundant and/or nervous bankers, he went up into a mountain (or nearest tall, unlet Canary Wharf skyscraper): and when he was set, his disciples came unto him: and he opened his mouth, and taught them, saying:
Blessed are the banks: for they shall inherit the earth (at least those that are systemically important shall).
Blessed are the poor in stock options: for their hopes of undreamt-of wealth were never as exalted as those of their colleagues.
Blessed are they that mourn: for they shall be comforted in their joblessness by riches accumulated over their career and shall have plenty of free time to preach annoyingly for the rest of their lives about how others were to blame for the collapse of capitalism.
Blessed are the meek: for they were not, and never shall be, eligible for jobs in investment banking.
Blessed are they which do hunger and thirst after righteousness: for they shall find lower-paid but, if you like that kind of thing, actually rather rewarding positions with the Financial Services Authority.
Blessed are the merciful: particularly if they’re the ones taking the decisions about the next round of job-cuts.
Blessed are the bonus-takers: for they shall be very few in number in 2008-09.
Blessed are the pure in heart: ditto.
Blessed are ye, when men shall revile you, and persecute you, and shall say all manner of evil against you falsely: for, if your company’s stock is listed, you may for once be able to prosecute your revilers successfully for market manipulation.
Rejoice, and be exceedingly glad: for great is your reward in heaven – or in the next bull market, whichever comes first.
Here endeth the lesson (if not the credit crunch).