Jokes Thread

[Verrocchio]

Chess Playing Dog

Too many times investors are like the man who goes by a window and sees inside -- incredible -- a man playing chess with a dog.

He can't believe it; he thinks he's hallucinating, but he goes back and looks again, and indeed, the dog is really playing chess. So he goes to the man and says, "What a wonderful dog you have. He can play chess!" "Oh, he's not so wonderful," says the man, "In fact, he's pretty stupid. He lost twice."

Investors are hard on themselves that way sometimes: "I lost twice."

[Jim Nickerson]

Re: Jokes Thread

Bar story

Hillary Clinton called Bill into her office one day and said, 'Bill, I have a great idea. I know how we can win back middle America and secure my presidential victory in 2008'.

'Great, but how do you propose we go about that?' asked Bill.

'Well', Hillary responds, 'We'll go down to a local Wal-Mart, get some cheesy clothes and shoes like most middle Americans wear, and then we'll stop at the pound and pick up a Labrador. When we look the part we'll go to a nice old country bar in middle America, and we'll show them that we really enjoy the countryside and show admiration and respect for the hard working people living there.'

A few days later, all decked out and with the requisite Labrador at heel, they set off from New York in a westerly direction. Eventually they arrived at just the place they were looking for. With dog in tow they walk into Arkey Blues Silver Dollar. They step up to the bar and the bartender takes a step back and says,

'Aren't you Bill and Hillary Clinton?'

Hillary answers, 'Yes we are, and what a lovely town you have here. We were just passing through and Bill suggested that we stop and take in some local color.'
They then order a couple of beers from the bartender and proceed to drink them down, all the while chatting up a storm with anyone who would listen.

All of a sudden, the bar room door opens and a grizzled old rancher comes in. He walks up to the Labrador, lifts its tail and looks underneath, shrugs his shoulders and walks out the door.

A few moments later, in came another old farmer. He walks up to the dog, lifts its tail, looks underneath, scratches his head, and then leaves the bar.

Over the course of the next hour or so, another four or five farmers came in, lifted the dog's tail, and went away looking puzzled.
Eventually Hillary and Bill could stand it no longer and called the bartender over ' Tell me', said Hillary, 'Why did all those old ranchers come in and look under the dog's tail like that? Is it some sort of old custom?'

'Good Lord no', said the bartender, 'It's just that someone has told them that there was a Labrador in here with two assholes!'

[Nicolasd]

Rebate check

As we all know, the Bush Administration said each of us would get
a rebate check to stimulate the economy.

If we spend that money at Wal-Mart, all the money will go to China .
If we spend it on gasoline it will go to the Arabs,
If we purchase a computer it will go to India ,
If we purchase fruit and vegetables it will go to Mexico , Honduras , and Guatemala ,
If we purchase a good car it will go to Japan ,
If we purchase useless crap it will go to Taiwan
None of it will help the American economy.
We need to keep that money here in America.
The only way to keep that money here at home is to spend it at yard sales,since those are the only businesses still valid in the US.:p

[bart]

Re: Jokes Thread

Riddle for the day............
You are driving in a car at a constant speed. On your left side is a 'drop off', (The ground is 18-20 inches below the level you are traveling on), and on your right side is a fire engine traveling at the same speed as you. In front of you is a galloping horse, which is the same size as your car and you cannot overtake it. Behind you is a galloping zebra. Both the horse and zebra are also traveling at the same speed as you. What must you do to safely get out of this highly dangerous situation?






For the answer, click and drag your mouse from star to star.


*Get your drunk-ass off the merry-go-round*

[metalman]

Re: Jokes Thread

Riddle for the day............
You are driving in a car at a constant speed. On your left side is a 'drop off', (The ground is 18-20 inches below the level you are traveling on), and on your right side is a fire engine traveling at the same speed as you. In front of you is a galloping horse, which is the same size as your car and you cannot overtake it. Behind you is a galloping zebra. Both the horse and zebra are also traveling at the same speed as you. What must you do to safely get out of this highly dangerous situation?






For the answer, click and drag your mouse from star to star.


*Get your drunk-ass off the merry-go-round*

good one! i gotta get my drunk ass off the internets or i'm going to throw my computer out the window. i swear i can read for an hour before i find a piece of business 'analysis' that doesn't read like it was done by paris hilton.

[bart]

Re: Jokes Thread

good one! i gotta get my drunk ass off the internets or i'm going to throw my computer out the window. i swear i can read for an hour before i find a piece of business 'analysis' that doesn't read like it was done by paris hilton.

Yes indeed - Paris Hilton does belong in a jokes thread.




Government Economist Virus: Nothing works, but all your diagnostic software says that everything is just fine.

"If all economists were laid end to end, they would not reach a conclusion."
-- George Bernard Shaw

[GRG55]

Re: Jokes Thread

i'm burnt out on all this rate cut, recession, market crash, dollar doom stuff. let's do a joke thread!

To the citizens of the United States of America from Her Sovereign
Majesty Queen Elizabeth II

In light of your failure in recent years to nominate competent
candidates for President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we
hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective
immediately.

Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical
duties over all states,commonwealths, and territories (except Kansas,
which she does not fancy).

Your new Prime Minister, Gordon Brown, will appoint a Governor for
America without the need for further elections.

Congress and the Senate will be disbanded [Less cheering please! Her Majesty considers displays of excessive exuberance undignified, especially coming from the colonies.)

A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any
of you noticed.

To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following
rules are introduced with immediate effect:

(You should look up 'revocation' in the Oxford English Dictionary.)
1. Then look up aluminum, and check the pronunciation guide. You will
be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it.

2. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'colour',
'favour', 'labour'and 'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell
'doughnut' without skipping half the letters, and the suffix '-ize'
will be replaced by the suffix '-ise'. Generally, you will be expected
to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. (look up 'vocabulary').

3. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises
such as 'like' and 'you know' is an unacceptable and inefficient form
of communication. There is no such thing as US English. We will let
M*crosoft know on your behalf. The M*crosoft spell-checker will be
adjusted to take into account the reinstated letter 'u' and the
elimination of -ize.

4. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.

5. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns,
lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and
therapists shows that you're not quite ready to be independent. Guns
should only be used for shooting grouse. If you can't sort things out
without suing someone or speaking to a therapist then you're not ready
to shoot grouse.

6. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything
more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. Althougha permit will be
required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.

7. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will
start driving on the left side with immediate effect. At the same
time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit
of conversion tables.
Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British
sense of humour.

8. The Former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been
calling gasoline) of roughly $10/US gallon. Get used to driving a proper saloon with a boot and a bonnet, instead of those silly quasi-military SUVs with metallic paint. Finally all trucks will henceforth be referred to as lorries. Get used to it.

9. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French
fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling
potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut,
fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.

10. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not
actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be
referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted
provenance will be referred to as Lager. South African beer is also
acceptable as they are pound for pound the greatest sporting Nation on
earth and it can only be due to the beer. They are also part of
British Commonwealth - see what it did for them. American brands will
be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine, so that all can be sold
without risk of further confusion.

11. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as
good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to
play English characters. Watching Andie Macdowell attempt English
dialogue in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having one's ears removed with a cheese grater.

12. You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind
of proper football; you call it soccer. Those of you brave enough
may, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities
to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every
twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body Armour like a bunch of
nancies). Don't try Rugby - the South Africans and Kiwis will thrash
you, like they regularly thrash us.

13. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to
host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played
outside of America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware there is a world
beyond your borders, your error is understandable. You will learn
cricket, and we will let you face the South Africans first to take the
sting out of their deliveries.

14. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.

15. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's
Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all
monies due (backdated to 1776).

16. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 pm with proper cups, with
saucers, and never mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and
cakes; plus strawberries (with cream) when in season.

God Save the Queen!

[phirang]

Re: Jokes Thread

one of my fav's:

Q: What was, "The Woman's Movement"?

A: From the kitchen to the bedroom.

[GRG55]

Re: Jokes Thread

Courtesy of the Borowitz Report. It's getting ugly out there...

Cindy McCain Robot Gets New Head

State-of-the-Art Head Stores 2,000 Recipes

"We have the technology."

That was the message out of the McCain camp today as Sen. John McCain unveiled a newly refurbished Cindy McCain robot, featuring a state-of-the-art replacement head.

While the Cindy McCain robot had been a fixture during the primary campaign, appearing at the senator's side at hundreds of campaign events, a McCain campaign aide went out of his way to indicate that with its newly installed head, the CinBot-9000 was ready "to take it to a whole new level."

"This new head is going to enable the Cindy McCain robot to do things that it could never do before," said McCain aide Davison Matz. "For one thing, it will now be able to talk."

Mr. Davison said that while the robot's previous head had been able to emit simple sentences such as "I've always been proud of my country," the replacement head will have a 400-word vocabulary that will enable the android to simulate human-like speech.

"The robot will be able to talk about the economy as well as Sen. McCain himself," Mr. Davison said.

He also said that the newly improved Cindy McCain robot would have increased data storage, enabling it to store up to 2,000 recipes from a variety of online recipe sites.

Appearing with Sen. McCain at its unveiling, the CinBot-9000's new head appeared virtually identical to the previous one, down to its bleached blonde hair and glassy-eyed stare.

Beaming with pride, the GOP nominee remarked on the new head's resemblance to the old one: "She still plasters her makeup on like a trollop."

Elsewhere, President Bush announced plans to carve Iraq into two regions, "Full Serve" and "Self Serve."

[Guest]

Re: Jokes Thread

Did somebody on iTulip post this already? I found it in my funnies mailbox but I don't think it was posted here before. Life is stranger than fiction. ...

http://www.losthorizons.com/phpBB/viewtopic.php?t=287

Quote:

Charlotte, North Carolina. A lawyer purchased a box of very rare and expensive cigars, then insured them against, among other things, fire. Within a month, having smoked his entire stockpile of these great cigars and without yet having made even his first premium payment on the policy the lawyer filed a claim against the insurance company. In his claim, the lawyer stated the cigars were lost 'in a series of small fires.' The insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason, that the man had consumed the cigars in the normal fashion. The lawyer sued and WON! (Stay with me.) Delivering the ruling, the judge agreed with the insurance company that the claim was frivolous. The judge stated nevertheless, that the lawyer held a policy from the company, which it had warranted that the cigars were insurable and also guaranteed that it would insure them against fire, without defining what is considered to be unacceptable 'fire' and was obligated to pay the claim. Rather than endure lengthy and costly appeal process, the insurance company accepted the ruling and paid $15,000 to the lawyer for his loss of the cigars lost in the 'fires'. NOW FOR THE BEST PART.. After the lawyer cashed the check, the insurance company had him arrested on 24 counts of ARSON!!! With his own insurance claim and testimony from the previous case being used against him, the lawyer was convicted of intentionally burning his insured property and was sentenced to 24 months in jail and a $24,000 fine. This is a true story and was the First Place winner in the recent Criminal Lawyers Award Contest. ONLY IN AMERICA , NO WONDER THIRD WORLD COUNTRIES THINK WE'RE NUTS!

[VIT]

Re: Jokes Thread

I have some cross-national:

Russian kids decided to make a joke in one of San Jose school. They brought 3 pigs and put the numbers 1,2 and 4 on them. Police spent one week trying to find number 3.
----------------------------
Psychologist on the West:
"Do you have problems ? Want to discuss ?"

In Russia:
"Do you have problems ? Do you want to drink for them ?"

In China:
Leading party announced you do not have any problems. Come back to work"
--------------
EU said Aeroflot (Russian airlines) planes lines are to noisy so they have to prohibit their flights. Aeroflot - ok, we stop selling vodka
-----
One American is flighting with Aeroflot. Stewardess come to him and ask
- Would you like to eat ?
- Yes, what are the options ?
- Yes or no
---------------
Some soviet-style anecdotes you might find interesting:

Nixon visited USSR and soviet leader demonstrated him phone which can connect with the hell. He did a call and paid 27 kopecks (several cents). Then he returned back to US and discussed this to CIA. They told we have this phone for long time. He tried and payed 12000 dollars. Nixon asked why the call was so expensive here and co cheap there. They had local call.

---------------

One policemen from Eastern Europe asked his college
- What do you think about new politic regime
- The same as you
- So I need to arrest you

-----------
In soviet school on political lesson:
"American aggressors interfere with the USSR around all the world"
-------------
Do you have poor people in USSR ?
Yes, those who has state houses and cars

--------------
University lecture:
- Here (USSR) our constitution guarantees the freedom of speech
- What about freedom for person who will say

[Jim Nickerson]

Re: Jokes Thread

Good, Vitaly.

Here's one.

Two old Southern ladies setting on the veranda in the swing and talking about the things they did when younger.

One asked, "Do you remember the minuet"?

The other replied, "Hell no! I don't even remember the ones I screwed."

[Guest]

Re: Jokes Thread

Flunked: 14 Signs of a Deficient Intellect

(Maybe one or two of these will not be immediately recognised to
you as English is not your native language Vitaly, but I think you
get the "general idea". These are a product of our glorious educational
system. But don't forget that we managed to send some guys to
the moon! Heck, nobody's perfect. ).


1. God help us.

2. Furst kum, furst surfed.

3. From a politically astute second-grader.

4. Nice try but no cigar.

5. Now hiring: police officers. Minimum educational qualifications: none.

6. In love with all things domestic.

7. Sorry, we can't not point out how retarded you sound.

8. And we all so clearly see who flunked remedial grammar.

9. Someone paid for this?

10. Boat and mast sold separately.

11. You!! are!! a!! moron!!

12. Harry Potter's country hideaway.

13. Yum.

14. At least there are no spelling mistakes.

[The Outback Oracle]

Re: Jokes Thread

A new element has been added to the Periodic Table:

Research has led to the discovery of the heaviest element yet known to science.

The new element, Governmentium (Gv), has one neuron, 25 assistant neurons, 88 deputy neurons
and 198 assistant deputy neurons, giving it an atomic mass of 312.

These 312 particles are held together by forces called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities
of lepton-like particles called peons. Since Governmentium has no electrons, it is inert;
however, it can be detected, because it impedes every reaction with which it comes into contact.

A minute amount of Governmentium can cause a reaction, that would normally take less than a second ,
to take from four days to four years to complete.

Governmentium has a normal half-life of 2-6 years; it does not decay, but instead undergoes regular reorganization
in which a portion of the assistant neurons and deputy neurons exchange places. In fact, Governmentium's mass will
actually increase over time, since each reorganization will cause more morons to become neurons, forming isodopes.

This characteristic of moron promotion leads some scientists to believe that Governmentium is formed
whenever morons reach a critical concentration. This hypothetical quantity is referred to as critical
morass. When catalyzed with money, Governmentium becomes Administratium, an element that
radiates just as much energy as Governmentium since it has half as many peons but twice as many morons.

[Atlas]

Re: Jokes Thread

Two conspiracy theorists are in a car accident while heading to a convention and are killed. Upon reaching heaven they are told about all the wonderful things they can experience there but the one thing that really interests them is getting to meet with God and have all their questions answered. After waiting awhile they are shown into God's office and before they can say anything God says "Oswald acted alone, Armstrong really did walk on the moon and there is no alien activity at Area 51." Upon hearing this, one of the men whispered to the other "This really does go all the way to the top."