Jokes Thread

[metalman]

i'm burnt out on all this rate cut, recession, market crash, dollar doom stuff. let's do a joke thread! i'll start...

An old man is walking down the street in Brooklyn. He sees a young boy sitting on the street in front of a candy shop, shoveling sweets into his mouth. The man walks up to the boy and says "You know, son, it's not healthy to eat all that candy." The kid says, "You know, old man, my grandfather lived to be 97 years old." The man replies, "Did he eat a lot of candy?" The kid looks up at him and says "No, but he minded his own ******* business."

[metalman]

Re: Jokes Thread

Two cannibals are eating a clown. One turns to the other and asks, "Does this taste 'funny' to you?"

[metalman]

Re: Jokes Thread

Hear about the new restaurant that opened up on the moon? Great food, no atmosphere.

[Jim Nickerson]

Re: Jokes Thread

I found this beautiful winter poem and thought it might be a comfort to you. It was to me, and it's very well written.

"WINTER"

a poem by Abigail Elizabeth McIntyre...

"SHIT, It's Cold !"

The End

[Jim Nickerson]

Re: Jokes Thread

A man and his ever-nagging wife went on vacation to Israel. While they were there, the wife died. The undertaker told the husband, "You can have her shipped home for $5K, or you can bury her here, in the Holy Land, for $150." The man thought about it and told the undertaker he would just have her shipped home. The undertaker asked, "Why would you spend $5K to ship your wife home, when it would be wonderful to be buried here, and you would only spend $150."

The man replied, "Long ago a man died here, was buried here, and three days later he rose from the dead. I just can't take that chance."

[metalman]

Re: Jokes Thread

A priest, a rabbi, and a minister walk into a bar. The bartender looks up and says, "What is this, some kind of joke?"

[metalman]

Re: Jokes Thread

A man and his ever-nagging wife went on vacation to Israel. While they were there, the wife died. The undertaker told the husband, "You can have her shipped home for $5K, or you can bury her here, in the Holy Land, for $150." The man thought about it and told the undertaker he would just have her shipped home. The undertaker asked, "Why would you spend $5K to ship your wife home, when it would be wonderful to be buried here, and you would only spend $150."

The man replied, "Long ago a man died here, was buried here, and three days later he rose from the dead. I just can't take that chance."

so long as we're telling nagging wife jokes...

A guy speeds into the hospital parking lot, sprints past the receptionist and meets the doctor coming out of the operating room, bloody, taking his gloves off.
"Doctor! Doctor! What happened? How is my wife?"
"I'm so sorry, sir. It was a terrible accident. She's been badly burned, and there was severe brain damage. She may live a long time, but you'll have to feed her, as she can't use her hands. You'll need to help her go to the toilet, and wipe up after her, and bathe her by hand every day. And there was extensive skin damage, and she's going to be severely disfigured. She can still talk, though.
"Also, and I realize this is a bad time to bring it up, but your insurance isn't going to pay for any of this. You're going to have to pay for this visit, and you'll be paying for her medication and treatment as long as she's alive, which could be a long time, and she's going to need a lot of medication. She'll need constant care. I'm terribly sorry."
The guy is horrified. He stares at the doctor in shock and can only respond with stunned silence.
Finally, the doctor slaps him on the back and says, "Aw, man. I'm just ******* with you. She's dead."

[metalman]

Re: Jokes Thread

An Eskimo rides his snowmobile into the repair shop and tells the mechanic, "I don't know what's wrong with it. It's running rough."
The mechanic says, "Ok, I'll take a look. Come back in 15 minutes."
The man walks up the street and buys a vanilla ice cream cone. He's finishes it before he walks up to the mechanic.
"What's up," the man asks him.
The mechanic says, "Looks like you blew a seal."
"No," said the man, wiping his chin. "Vanilla ice cream."

[bart]

Re: Jokes Thread

Two Bear Scientists


A Russian scientist and a Czechoslovakian scientist had spent their whole lives studying the majestic grizzly bear. Each year they petitioned their respective governments to allow them to go to Yellowstone to study these wondrous beasts.
Finally, their request was granted and they immediately flew to New York and then on west to Yellowstone. They reported to the local ranger station and were told that it was the grizzly mating season and it was much too dangerous to go out and study the animals.
They pleaded that this was their only chance. Finally the ranger relented. The Russian and the Czech were given cell phones and told to report in each and every day.
For several days they called in, and then nothing was heard from the two scientists. The rangers mounted a search party and found the scientists' camp completely ravaged. No sign of the missing men.
They then followed the trail of a male and a female bear. They found the female and decided they must kill the animal to find out if she had eaten the scientists because they feared an international incident.
They killed the female and cut open the bear's stomach… only to find the remains of the Russian.
One ranger turned to the other and said, "You know what this means, don't you?"
"Of course," the other ranger nodded. "The Czech is in the male."

[rabot10]

Re: Jokes Thread

Metal Guy U are one funny dude, I hope some of it rubs off on Jim, I say god dam he is one tight ass lol

[jk]

Re: Jokes Thread

yesterday's short lived rally after the rate cut was announced: a fed cat bounce.

the only decoupling is that of the american wage earner from the profits of his employer.


[from the comments at the sudden debt blog today]

[metalman]

Re: Jokes Thread

Metal Guy U are one funny dude, I hope some of it rubs off on Jim, I say god dam he is one tight ass lol

was jim was the old man telling the kid to stop eating candy? ;)

[jk]

Re: Jokes Thread

A man at the Super Bowl stadium is looking around for a spare seat in one of the
boxes so that he can get a better view. He sees a box with a man occupying one
seat and all the rest are empty. With some temerity he goes up to the man in
the box and asks if he might occupy one of the empty seats. The man in the box
says OK and invites him in.

A bit later he asks the man in the box "How come there are these empty seats?
After all this is the Super Bowl."

The man in the box replied that he an his wife purchased the whole box so that
they could have it privately and that his wife had died.

The intruder then asked the man in the box "Why he hadn't invited some of his
relatives or friends to join him in the box for the Super Bowl?"

The man in the box replied "They're all at her funeral."

[GRG55]

Re: Jokes Thread

Okay, here's a sandbox expat joke for all you OPEC haters out there...


A TV journalist approaches four men standing on a street corner in Dubai and says "Excuse me, what is your opinion about the food shortage?"

• The Somali replies "What's food?"
• The American replies "What's a shortage?"
• The Chinese man replies "What's an opinion?"
• and the Saudi replies "What's excuse me?"

[Uncle Jack]

Re: Jokes Thread

A horse walks into a bar and the bartender says, "hey buddy, why the long face?"