Jokes Thread

[lurker]

Re: Jokes Thread

This one was on the radio yesterday and made me chuckle:

A man and a woman who have never met before find themselves in the same sleeping carriage of a train.

After the initial embarrassment they both go to sleep, the woman on the top bunk, the man on the lower.
In the middle of the night the woman leans over, wakes the man and says, "I'm sorry to bother you, but I'm awfully cold and I was wondering if you could possibly get me another blanket."
The man leans out and, with a glint in his eye, says, "I've got a better idea... just for tonight, let's pretend we're married."
The woman thinks for a moment. "Why not," she giggles. "Great," he replies, "Get your own damn blanket!"

[Spartacus]

Re: Jokes Thread - salesman

A young farm boy from Saskatchewan moved to Vancouver Island and went to a huge "everything under one roof department store" looking for a job.

The Manager says, 'Do you have any sales experience?'

The kid says, 'Yeah.. I was a salesman back in Saskatchewan.'

Well, the boss liked the kid and gave him the job.
'You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did.'

His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down.
'How many customers bought something from you today?'

The kid says 'one'.

The boss says, 'Just one? Our salespeople average 20 to 30 customers a day. How much was the sale for?'

The kid says, '$101,237.65.'

The boss says, '$101,237.65! What the heck did you sell?'

The kid says, 'First, I sold him a small fishhook. Then I sold him a medium fishhook. Then I sold him a larger fishhook. Then I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast, so I told him he was going to need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him a twin engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4x4 Ford Expedition.'

The boss said, 'You mean to tell me that a guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a BOAT and a TRUCK?'

The Saskatchewan farm boy said, 'No, the guy came in here to buy Tampons for his wife and I said, 'Dude, your weekend's shot -- you should go fishing!'

[don]

Re: Jokes Thread

I got a pre-declined credit card in the mail.

My broker dreams of going hunting with Cheney

Our Motel Six no longer leaves the light on

The local bankers in my town play only miniature golf

The Mafia is laying off judges.

Exxon-Mobil laid off our Congressman (see above, Mafia)

I ordered a burger at McDonald's and the kid behind the counter asked, "Can
you afford fries with that?"

He had a point

I asked for an application

[Andreuccio]

Re: Jokes Thread

I asked for an application

Are they still accepting? I might head down there.

[cobben]

Re: Jokes Thread

This Ad Was Placed in the Personal column of a newspaper.


To the Guy Who Tried to Mug Me in Downtown Savannah night before last. Date: 05-27-09, 1:43 A M EST.

I was the guy wearing the black Burberry jacket that you demanded that I hand over, shortly after you pulled the knife on my girlfriend, threatening our lives and me.

You also asked for my girlfriend's purse and earrings.

I can only hope that you somehow come across this rather important message.

First, I'd like to apologize for your embarrassment when I drew my pistol after you took my Jacket. The evening was not that cold, and I was wearing the jacket for a reason.

My girlfriend had just bought me that Kimber Model 1911 .45 A CP pistol for my birthday, and we had picked up a shoulder holster for it that very evening.Obviously you agree that it is a very Intimidating weapon when pointed at your head wasn't it?

I know it probably wasn't fun walking back to wherever you'd come from bare footed since I made you leave your shoes, cell phone, and wallet with me. [That prevented you from calling or running to your buddies to come help mug us again].

After I called your mother, or "Momma" as you had her listed in your cell, I explained the entire episode of what you'd done. Then I Went and filled up my gas tank as well as four other people's in the gas station on your credit card. The guy with the big motor home took 150 gallons and was extremely grateful!

I gave your shoes to a homeless guy outside Long's Drugstore, along with all the cash in your wallet. [That made his day!]

I then threw your wallet into the big pink "pimp mobile" that was parked at the curb ... after I broke the windshield and side window and keyed the entire driver's side of the car.

Earlier, I managed to get in two threatening phone calls to the DA's office and one to the FBI, while mentioning President Obama as my possible target. The FBI guy seemed really intense and we had a nice long chat (I guess while he traced your number etc.).

In a way, perhaps I should apologize for not killing you ... but I feel this type of retribution is a far more appropriate punishment for your threatened crime. I wish you well as you try to sort through some of these rather immediate pressing issues, and can only hope that you have the opportunity to reflect upon, and perhaps reconsider the career path you've chosen to pursue in life.

Remember, next time you might not be so lucky.
Have a good day!

Thoughtfully yours,
Alex

[metalman]

Re: Jokes Thread

This Ad Was Placed in the Personal column of a newspaper.


To the Guy Who Tried to Mug Me in Downtown Savannah night before last. Date: 05-27-09, 1:43 A M EST.

I was the guy wearing the black Burberry jacket that you demanded that I hand over, shortly after you pulled the knife on my girlfriend, threatening our lives and me.

You also asked for my girlfriend's purse and earrings.

I can only hope that you somehow come across this rather important message.

First, I'd like to apologize for your embarrassment when I drew my pistol after you took my Jacket. The evening was not that cold, and I was wearing the jacket for a reason.

My girlfriend had just bought me that Kimber Model 1911 .45 A CP pistol for my birthday, and we had picked up a shoulder holster for it that very evening.Obviously you agree that it is a very Intimidating weapon when pointed at your head wasn't it?

I know it probably wasn't fun walking back to wherever you'd come from bare footed since I made you leave your shoes, cell phone, and wallet with me. [That prevented you from calling or running to your buddies to come help mug us again].

After I called your mother, or "Momma" as you had her listed in your cell, I explained the entire episode of what you'd done. Then I Went and filled up my gas tank as well as four other people's in the gas station on your credit card. The guy with the big motor home took 150 gallons and was extremely grateful!

I gave your shoes to a homeless guy outside Long's Drugstore, along with all the cash in your wallet. [That made his day!]

I then threw your wallet into the big pink "pimp mobile" that was parked at the curb ... after I broke the windshield and side window and keyed the entire driver's side of the car.

Earlier, I managed to get in two threatening phone calls to the DA's office and one to the FBI, while mentioning President Obama as my possible target. The FBI guy seemed really intense and we had a nice long chat (I guess while he traced your number etc.).

In a way, perhaps I should apologize for not killing you ... but I feel this type of retribution is a far more appropriate punishment for your threatened crime. I wish you well as you try to sort through some of these rather immediate pressing issues, and can only hope that you have the opportunity to reflect upon, and perhaps reconsider the career path you've chosen to pursue in life.

Remember, next time you might not be so lucky.
Have a good day!

Thoughtfully yours,
Alex

are you sure this belongs here no on the 'education & resources' forum?

[cobben]

Re: Jokes Thread

"are you sure this belongs here "

Well, I thought about that for a few seconds & decided it was better in "rant/jokes" as being neutral ground.

[LargoWinch]

Re: Jokes Thread

What about, bite me!

PS: Better late than never

[GRG55]

Re: Jokes Thread

A few of the best lines following up Blankfein's doing "God's work" comment...

"Goldman Sachs is 100% categorically against abortion. We would never countenance aborting bonuses, at any part of the term but especially in late-term accrual, particularly when they've been earned in pursuit of such noble objectives as God's Work.


"I don't know who said it (probably the goyim uptown at JP Morgan), but there is no truth that our blessed chairman and pious CFO were overheard talking derisively about the great, munificent, and most magnanimous people of America, suggesting that "....couldn't tell the difference between kneeling down and bending over..."

"Goldman Sachs will NOT be reorganizing itself into a tax-exempt religious "ministry" (or Temple rather) in order to take advantage of such status to further pursue God's Works" ( and get the Gross-of-tax Roll-Up). Bank-holding company status was quite sufficient thankyouverymuch.

[thunderdownunder]

Re: Jokes Thread

Great things and Government attempts

All you really need to know about Government and Bureaucracy:

** Pythagorean theorem: ............................. 24 words.
** Lord's prayer: ................................... 66 words.
** Archimedes' Principle: ........................... 67 words.
** 10 Commandments: ................................. 179 words.
** Gettysburg address: .............................. 286 words.
** Declaration of Independence: ................... 1,300 words.
US Government regulations on the sale of cabbage: 26,911 words.

[Spartacus]

suspicious characters ?

http://failblog.org/2009/11/20/suspicious-fail/

[LargoWinch]

Re: suspicious characters ?

http://failblog.org/2009/11/20/suspicious-fail/

The comments from the link are hilarious Sparta. (I think these people may do drugs. Just a hunch.

[Spartacus]

Japan's lost decade (s) (give or take)

damn ...

did they just forget where they put it?

remind me not to give them the car keys. jeeez ...

[doom&gloom]

Re: Japan's lost decade (s) (give or take)

Warning for All Guys Going To Home Depot
A 'heads up' for you guys who may be regular Home Depot customers.


This one caught me by surprise.

Over the last 2 months I became a victim of a clever scam while out shopping. Simply going out to get supplies has turned out to be quite traumatic. Don't be naive enough to think it couldn't happen to you or your friends.

Here's how the scam works: Two seriously good-looking 20-21 year-old girls come over to your car as you are packing your car, They both start wiping your windshield with a rag and Windex, with their breasts almost falling out of their skimpy T-shirts. It is impossible not to look. When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say 'No' and instead ask you for a ride to McDonald's. You agree and they get in the backseat.

On the way, they remove all of their clothes and start making out. Then one of them climbs over into the front seat and starts crawling all over you. She then takes off your pants and throws them into the backseat. While the one is keeping you distracted the other one steals your wallet.

I had my wallet stolen August 4th, 9th, 10th, twice on the 15th, 17th, 20th, 24th & 29th. Also, September 1st, 7th, twice on the 8th, 16th, 23rd, 26th, 30th, Almost everyday this November and very likely again this upcoming weekend.

So tell your friends to be careful.



P.S. Wal-Mart has wallets on sale $2.99 each

[doom&gloom]

Re: Japan's lost decade (s) (give or take)




1.What 's the difference between a car and a golf ball? Tiger can drive
a ball 400 yards.
2. What was Elin doing out at 2.30 in the morning? Clubbing
3. Why did Tiger crash into a fire hydrant AND a tree? He couldn 't
decide between a wood and an iron.
4. Why did Phil Mickelson call Elin yesterday? To pick up some tips on
how to beat Tiger.
6. What is the penalty for getting it in the wrong hole? Ask Tiger, he
knows.
7. Tiger drives very well on the fairway but doesn 't fare very well on
the driveway.
8. Whats the difference between a golf ball and a caddy? Tiger can drive
a golf ball.
9. Nike wants to drop their endorsement due to accuracy problems.
Apparently, Tiger 's spraying his balls everywhere.
10. It turns out that fixing Tiger 's game and fixing his marriage
both require the same thing: better control over his putter.
11. Why was Tiger 's wife mad at him? She heard that he played a-round
in Australia.
12. Given Tiger 's racial heritage can we call this a Black Thai
affair?
13. Tiger just changed his nickname but still kept it in the cat
family. Cheetah.
14. Elin Woods has a twin sister named Josephine. Know how to tell
them apart? Elin is the one holding the bent 5 iron.
15. First words spoken to the paramedics by Tiger Who are you? And
what are all these trees doing in my living room?
16. What does Tiger have in common with a baby seal? They 've both
been clubbed by a Norwegian.