Jokes Thread

[cjppjc]

Re: Jokes Thread

Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, but when they lit a fire in the craft it sank-proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it, too.


Two boll weevils grew up in South Carolina. One went to Hollywood and became a famous actor. The other stayed behind in the cotton fields and never amounted to much. The second one, naturally, became known as the lesser of two weevils.


A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He slides up to the bar and announces: "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."


Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused his dentist's novocaine during root canal work?
He wanted to transcend dental medication.


A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?" they asked, as they moved off. "Because," he said, "I can't stand chess Nuts boasting in an open foyer."

There was a man who entered a local paper's pun contest. He sent in ten different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.

A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Amal." The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his mom. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Amal. Her husband responds, "But They are twins - if you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal."





And the worst of the bunch:

These friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise the funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the "men of God", the rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not. He went back and begged the friars to close.

They ignored him. He asked his mother to go and ask the friars to get out of business. They ignored her too. So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to "persuade" them to close.

Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close shop.

Terrified, they did so - thereby proving -

Are you ready for this?!

... that Hugh, and only Hugh, can prevent florist friars.

A young man (maybe it was you Bart.) When growing up couldn't stop using puns.
One day his mother got so sick of it, she locked him in his closet for the whole day.
After about 12 hours he starts screaming and crying to be let out.
Finally his mother says "Ok I'll let you out. But you have to promise to stop."
The boy replies "anything, anything, just please opun the door."

[Guest]

Re: Jokes Thread

New jokes should be posted at the bottom of a thread, so the thread does not wind up with Finster-thread-itis, which is where threads get so long they turn into spaghetti and nobody can't find nothing any more.

________________


Children's science exam answers...

Q: Name the four seasons.
A: Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.

Q: Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink.
A: Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists.

Q: How is dew formed?
A: The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.

Q: How can you delay milk turning sour?
A: Keep it in the cow.

Q: What causes the tides in the oceans?
A: The tides are a fight between the Earth and the Moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature hates a vacuu m. I forget where the sun joins in this fight.

Q: What are steroids?
A: Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs.

Q: What happens to your body as you age?
A: When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental

Q: What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?
A: He says good-bye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery.

Q: Name a major disease associated with cigarettes.
A: Premature death.

Q: How are the main parts of the body categorized? ( e.g., abdomen)
A: The body is consisted into three parts -- the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain; the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels A, E, I, O, and U.

Q: What is the fibula?
A: A small lie.

Q: What does 'varicose' mean?
A: Nearby.

Q: Give the meaning of the term 'Caesarian Section.'
A: The Caesarian Section is a district in Rome.

Q: What does the word 'benign' mean?'
A: Benign is what you will be after you be eight.

[cjppjc]

Re: Jokes Thread

A blonde girl comes home from school. Her mother asks what she learned?
"Well today we learned how to count. All the other girls could count to 10, but I could count to 20. Is that because I'm blonde Mommy?"
"Yes dear. It's because your blonde"
The next day when the girl came home from school, she again was asked what she learned.
"Well today we learned our ABC's. All the other girls stopped at g or h but I got up q. Is that becuase I'm blonde mommy?"
"Yes dear. It's because your blonde."
The next day the girl told her mother."Today we had gym class. And I noticed none of the other girls had breasts, but I have C cups. Is that because I'm blonde mommy? "No it's because your 22."

[LargoWinch]

Re: Jokes Thread

An image is worth a 1,000 words, here are 3,000:

[Guest]

Re: Jokes Thread

FROM JSMINESET

Pretending to be a Mutual Fund manager after losing ¾’s of their clients liquidity, or just a princess. Your pick :p

[Guest]

Re: Jokes Thread

From My Sober Minded Employer In Germany (this Morning) :rolleyes:

[ATTACH]1238[/ATTACH]

[Guest]

Re: Jokes Thread

Nah. This post wasn't funny enough. Panned it. Next!

[LargoWinch]

Re: Jokes Thread

That was not that bad Luke.

Here's funny pic from the inter-nets:

[metalman]

Re: Jokes Thread

That was not that bad Luke.

looks like timmy ready to go with his latest bailout package.

[Supercilious]

Re: Jokes Thread

[Guest]

Re: Jokes Thread

Hey I thought for sure that was you Metalman. What a disappointment that I don't have a picture of you for my iTulip albums. Or is that your sister?

looks like ... Metalman's Sister! [ATTACH]1240[/ATTACH]

[metalman]

Re: Jokes Thread

Hey I thought for sure that was you Metalman. What a disappointment that I don't have a picture of you for my iTulip albums. Or is that your sister?

yeh, that's me luke.

maybe you...



..and i...



will meet some day. :cool:

[Jim Nickerson]

Re: Jokes Thread

Urgent News from the White House: 3/21/09 www.gloomberg.com

The Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff briefed the president this morning. He told President Obama that 2 Brazilian soldiers were killed in Iraq.

To everyone's surprise, all the color drained from Obama's face. Then
he collapsed into his desk chair, head in his hands, visibly shaken, almost
in tears. Finally, as he attempted to compose himself, he whispered, "Just
how many is a brazilian?" This is not surprising, since he obviously has no understanding of billion or trillion, either.

[Supercilious]

Re: Jokes Thread

A Japanese doctor said, 'Medicine in my country is so advanced that we can take a kidney out of one man, put it in another, and have him looking for work in six weeks.'

A German doctor said, 'That's nothing, we can take a lung out of one person, put it in another, and have him looking for work in four weeks.'

A British doctor said, 'In my country, medicine is so advanced that we can take half of a heart out of one person, put it in another, and have them both looking for work in two weeks.'

A Chicago doctor, not to be outdone said, 'You guys are way behind. We took a man with no brains out of Chicago, put him in the White House, and now half the country is looking for work.'

[Guest]

Re: Jokes Thread

duplicate post