Jokes Thread

[Guest]

Moldavian Stretch Limousine # 01

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[Guest]

Moldavian Stretch Limousine - # 02

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[FRED]

Re: Moldavian Stretch Limousine - # 02

That is a sweet looking ride. Where can I order mine? We can paint an iTulip logo on the side and ride around town large.

[WDCRob]

Re: Moldavian Stretch Limousine - # 02

Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy takes out his phone and calls the emergency services.

He gasps: "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator says: "Calm down, I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a gunshot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says: "OK, now what?"

[bart]

Re: Jokes Thread

Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, but when they lit a fire in the craft it sank-proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it, too.


Two boll weevils grew up in South Carolina. One went to Hollywood and became a famous actor. The other stayed behind in the cotton fields and never amounted to much. The second one, naturally, became known as the lesser of two weevils.


A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He slides up to the bar and announces: "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."


Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused his dentist's novocaine during root canal work?
He wanted to transcend dental medication.


A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?" they asked, as they moved off. "Because," he said, "I can't stand chess Nuts boasting in an open foyer."

There was a man who entered a local paper's pun contest. He sent in ten different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.

A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Amal." The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his mom. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Amal. Her husband responds, "But They are twins - if you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal."





And the worst of the bunch:

These friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise the funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the "men of God", the rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not. He went back and begged the friars to close.

They ignored him. He asked his mother to go and ask the friars to get out of business. They ignored her too. So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to "persuade" them to close.

Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close shop.

Terrified, they did so - thereby proving -

Are you ready for this?!

... that Hugh, and only Hugh, can prevent florist friars.

[Guest]

Re: Jokes Thread

OK, this post is an indictment of iTulip's new "vulgar language filter". Gimme a break!


Dictionary:

bawdy

(bô'dē)

adj., -i·er, -i·est.

1. Humorously coarse; risqué.
2. Vulgar; lewd.

bawdily bawd'i·ly adv.
bawdiness bawd'i·ness n.

_____________________

The Strange Case of The Missing ****

The priest in a small Irish village loved the **** and ten hens he kept in the hen house behind the church.

But one Saturday night the **** went missing!

The priest knew that **** fights happened in the village so he started to question his parishioners in church the next morning.

During Mass, he asked the congregation, "Has anybody got a ****?

All the men stood up.

"No, no," he said, "That wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen a ****?"

All the women stood up.

"No, no," he said, "That wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen a **** that doesn't belong to them?"

Half the women stood up.

"No, no," he said, "That wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen MY ****?"

All the nuns, three altar boys, two priests and a goat stood up.

[Jim Nickerson]

Re: Jokes Thread

A little boy goes to his dad and asks, “What is Politics?”

Dad says, “Well son, let me try to explain it this way:

I am the head of the family, so call me The President.

Your mother is the administrator of the money, so we call her the
Government.

We are here to take care of your needs, so we will call you the People.

The nanny, we will consider her the Working Class.

And your baby brother, we will call him the Future.

Now think about that and see if it makes sense.”

So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said.
Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to
check on him. He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper. So
the little boy goes to his parent's room and finds his mother asleep.
Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door
locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the
nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed.

The next morning, the little boy says to his father, “Dad, I think I
understand the concept of politics now.”

The father says, “Good, son, tell me in your own words what you think
politics is all about."

The little boy replies, “The President is screwing the Working Class
while the Government is sound asleep. The People are being ignored and
the Future is in deep shit!”

[Jim Nickerson]

Re: Jokes Thread

>New Government Seal: see attachment Official Announcement: The federal government today announced that it is changing its emblem from an Eagle to a CONDOM because it more accurately reflects the government's political stance. A condom allows for inflation, halts production, destroys the next generation, protects a bunch of pricks, and gives you a sense of security while you're actually being screwed! Damn, it just doesn't get more accurate than that.

[Jim Nickerson]

Re: Jokes Thread

I was thinking today of a couple of jokes that I invariably told while operating.

It is a fact that occasionally an anesthesiologist will allow a patient's level of anesthesia to lighten or lessen to the extent that the patient moves some part of its body--normally there is no movement under adequate anesthesia.

Whenever that happened it always brought to mind the joke of the man making love and then he asked his wife, "What's wrong, did I hurt you?" to which she replied, 'No, why do you ask?"

He replied, "I thought I felt you move."



2.

I put a lot of wires in the mouth, and I would ask my nurse to give me a 6-inch piece of 25 g. wire.

Almost invariably, she would give me a 9-inch piece, which prompted me to ask, "do you know why women are such bad judges of lengths?"

No one would answer. I would point to the base of my index finger with my thumb (that is about 3.5") and say, "because they've always been told that is 6-inches."

[barrydd933]

Re: Jokes Thread

A man walks into the police station and says "Officer,I think my wife is dead", the cop responds "you think your wife is dead?",the guy responds,"well, shes at home,and I think shes dead". Now intrigued, the cop asks,"what do you mean, you can't tell if shes dead",the guy thinks it over for a minute and says"well,THE SEX IS THE SAME,BUT THE DISHES ARE PILING UP!"

[renyxzar]

Re: Jokes Thread

Winning the Lottery!

A woman rushes home, bursting through the front door of her
house yelling to her husband, "Pack your bags baby, I just won the lottery!
All £10,000,000....

"Woooohooo!!!! That's great sweetie" he replies."Do I pack for the beach or
the mountains?"

Who cares", she replies, "Just f**k off!"

[DemonD]

Re: Jokes Thread

Can't remember where I heard this one, I liked it though:

Three economists are out in the woods with rifles hunting for bears.

They come upon a bear who is eating berries off a tree. The bear is deaf and can't hear anything (including very loud gunshots).

The first economist aims his rifle, fires, and misses 10 feet to the left.

The second economist aims his rifle, fires, and misses 10 feet to the right.

The third economist lowers his rifle and says, "Great job guys, you got him!"

[BiscayneSunrise]

Re: Jokes Thread

You know, I am very disappointed by all the marriage jokes on this thread.

Many men look at marriage as a death sentence but they really shouldn't look at it that way.

It is more of a LIFE sentence.

[Sapiens]

Re: Jokes Thread

....................

Cowboy: "That your dog?"

Indian: "Yep."

Cowboy: "Mind if I speak to him?"

Indian: "Dog no talk."

Cowboy: "Hey dog, how's it going?"

Dog: "Doin' all right."

Indian: (Look of shock!)

Cowboy: "Is this Indian your owner?" (Pointing at the Indian)

Dog: "Yep."

Cowboy: "How's he treating you?"

Dog: "Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food and
takes
me to the lake once a week to play."

Indian: (Look of total disbelief)

Cowboy: "Mind if I talk to your horse?"

Indian: "Horse no talk."

Cowboy: "Hey horse, how's it going?"

Horse: "Cool."

Indian: (Extreme look of shock!)

Cowboy: "Is this your owner?" (Pointing to the Indian)

Horse: "Yep."

Cowboy: "How's he treating you?"

Horse: "Pretty good, thanks for asking, he rides me, brushes me down
often and keeps me in a lean-to to protect me from the weather."

Indian: (Look of total amazement)

Cowboy: "Mind if I talk to your sheep?"

Indian: "Sheep lie."

[Guest]

Re: Baptising an Irishman

Baptising an Irishman

A man is stumbling through the woods, totally drunk, when he comes upon a preacher baptising people in the river. He proceeds to walk into the water and subsequently bumps into the preacher.

The preacher turns around and is almost overcome by the smell of alcohol, whereupon he asks the drunk, "Are you ready to find Jesus?" The drunk shouts, "Yes, oi am." So the preacher grabs him and dunks him in the water. He pulls him up and asks the drunk, "Brother have you found Jesus?"

The drunk replies, "No, oi aven't found Jesus."

The preacher shocked at the answer, dunks him into the water again for a little longer. He again pulls him out of the water and asks again, "Have you found Jesus me brother?"

The drunk again answers, "No, oi I aven't found Jesus."

By this time the preacher is at his wits end and dunks the drunk in the water again --- but this time holds him down for about 45 seconds and when he begins kicking his arms and legs he pulls him up.

The preacher again asks the drunk, "For the love of God man, have you found Jesus now?"

The drunk wipes his eyes and catches his breath and says to the preacher, "No, oi haven't found him yet, are you sure dis is where he fell in?" :rolleyes: