Jokes Thread

[don]

Re: Jokes Thread

Tiger, Tiger, Burning....

Attention, rich and famous athletes!

Your life is tough enough without having to go through the pain and embarrassment of getting caught with your pants down. Enroll now in my correspondence school, the College of Hijinks, Extramarital Affairs & Tomfoolery - CHEAT.

We're fully accredited by some government official I bribed with $100.

Here's just a sample of the invaluable lessons you'll learn at CHEAT:

-- Your foolin'-around expenses can be a tax write-off! "Leaves of Grass," $19.95. File these receipts under "business affairs." Sure it's illegal, but you won't get caught!

-- Whenever possible, try not to cheat on your mistress.
-- Endorsement-wise, align yourself with products that will remain a good fit if you are suddenly exposed, such as Cheetos, Ice Blue Secret, Range Rover.

-- Develop impersonations of famous people. Let "Jimmy Stewart" or "John Madden" leave that desperate phone message on your girlfriend's recording machine.

-- Keep those "special" phone numbers in a place your nosy wife won't look, like on your golf scorecard. (Get it? Scorecard?)

-- Don't expect a casual affair to be casual to your new squeeze. To you it's a quickie, to her it's the final scene in "An Officer and a Gentleman."

-- Be honest, but don't get carried away. If you tell a woman, "My wife just packed her bags and left me," skip the unnecessary details like, "to go to the hospital to give birth to our first child."

Order now! Don't get left out in the cold, lying next to your car, bleeding, shoeless ...

Scott Ostler, http://sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.cg...SPVV1AV8IG.DTL

[jiimbergin]

Re: Jokes Thread

NO NATIVITY SCENE IN WASHINGTON THIS YEAR!


The Supreme Court has ruled that there cannot be a Nativity Scene in the United States' Capital this Christmas season.

This isn't for any religious reason.

They simply have not been able to find Three Wise Men in the Nation's Capitol.

Search for a Virgin continues.

There will be no problem however finding enough asses to fill the stable.

[don]

Re: Jokes Thread

A Slow Day in Texas


It's a slow day in the little Texas town of Port O'Connor. The sun is
beating down, and the streets are deserted. Times are tough, everybody
is in debt, and everybody lives on credit.

On this particular day a rich tourist from back east is driving through.
He stops at the motel and lays a $100 bill on the desk and says he
wants to inspect the rooms upstairs in order to pick one to spend the night.

As soon as the man walks upstairs, the owner grabs the bill and runs
next door to pay his debt to the butcher.

The butcher takes the $100 and runs down the street to retire his debt
to the pig farmer.

The pig farmer takes the $100 and heads off to pay his bill at the
supplier of feed and fuel.

The guy at the Farmer's Co-op takes the $100 and runs to pay his debt to
the local prostitute, who has also been facing hard times and has had to
offer her "services" on credit.

The hooker rushes to the hotel and pays off her room bill with the hotel
owner.

The hotel proprietor then places the $100 back on the counter.

At that moment the traveler comes down the stairs, picks up the $100
bill, states that the rooms are not satisfactory, pockets the money, and
leaves town.

No one produced anything. No one earned anything.

However, the whole town is now out of debt and looks to the future with
a lot more optimism.

And that, ladies and gentlemen, is how the United States Government is
conducting business today.


(left unmentioned is the $73 in FIRE transaction fees)

[Anon21456]

Re: Jokes Thread

A Slow Day in Texas


It's a slow day in the little Texas town of Port O'Connor. The sun is
beating down, and the streets are deserted. Times are tough, everybody
is in debt, and everybody lives on credit.

On this particular day a rich tourist from back east is driving through.
He stops at the motel and lays a $100 bill on the desk and says he
wants to inspect the rooms upstairs in order to pick one to spend the night.

As soon as the man walks upstairs, the owner grabs the bill and runs
next door to pay his debt to the butcher.

The butcher takes the $100 and runs down the street to retire his debt
to the pig farmer.

The pig farmer takes the $100 and heads off to pay his bill at the
supplier of feed and fuel.

The guy at the Farmer's Co-op takes the $100 and runs to pay his debt to
the local prostitute, who has also been facing hard times and has had to
offer her "services" on credit.

The hooker rushes to the hotel and pays off her room bill with the hotel
owner.

The hotel proprietor then places the $100 back on the counter.

At that moment the traveler comes down the stairs, picks up the $100
bill, states that the rooms are not satisfactory, pockets the money, and
leaves town.

No one produced anything. No one earned anything.

However, the whole town is now out of debt and looks to the future with
a lot more optimism.

And that, ladies and gentlemen, is how the United States Government is
conducting business today.


(left unmentioned is the $73 in FIRE transaction fees)

That joke is the best argument in favor of a fiat currency instead of a gold-based one. In a fiat currency the bank would have created the money that would have been used by everyone and they wouldn't have to wait for an hypothetical tourist.
I've often seen anti-capitalists & anti-liberals use this funny story without realizing how pro-credit currency it really is.

[ggirod]

Re: Jokes Thread

That joke is the best argument in favor of a fiat currency instead of a gold-based one. In a fiat currency the bank would have created the money that would have been used by everyone and they wouldn't have to wait for an hypothetical tourist.
I've often seen anti-capitalists & anti-liberals use this funny story without realizing how pro-credit currency it really is.

IMHO that may be mistaken. You notice that there was no bank in that story. If there had been, the loop would have ended with the bank, which would have "destroyed" the currency they created when they made the loan. In fact, the story is not the way the government works today. It is the way it worked when it was empowered to print its own money and did not have to borrow it from banks. In this story the money existed before and after the event. Otherwise it would not have reappeared on the desk to be paid back. Quite a difference in potential for optimism, huh!

[jk]

Re: Jokes Thread

IMHO that may be mistaken. You notice that there was no bank in that story. If there had been, the loop would have ended with the bank, which would have "destroyed" the currency they created when they made the loan. In fact, the story is not the way the government works today. It is the way it worked when it was empowered to print its own money and did not have to borrow it from banks. In this story the money existed before and after the event. Otherwise it would not have reappeared on the desk to be paid back. Quite a difference in potential for optimism, huh!

the tourist was the bank- "lending" his cash at the beginning of the story. then he left town with it. no difference.

[strittmatter]

Re: Jokes Thread

A Texan Moves North

Jan. 10 - It's 5:00 p.m. It's starting to snow. The first of the season and the first we've seen in years. The wife and I took our hot buttered rums and sat by the picture window, watching the soft flakes drift down, clinging to the trees and covering the ground. It was beautiful.

Jan. 11 - We awoke to a lovely blanket of crystal white snow covering the landscape. What a fantastic sight. Every tree and shrub covered with a beautiful white mantle. I shoveled snow for the first time in years and loved it. I did both the driveway and sidewalk. Later, a city snowplow came along and accidently covered up our driveway with compacted snow from the street. The driver smiled and waved. I waved back and shoveled it again.

Jan. 12 - It snowed an additional 5 inches last night and the temperature dropped to 11 degrees. Several limbs on the trees and shrubs snapped due to the weight of the snow. I shoveled the driveway a again. Shortly afterwards the snow plow came by and pulled his trick again. Now much of the snow is brownish-gray.

Jan. 13 - It warmed up enough during the day to create some slush which soon became ice when the temperature dropped again. Bought snow tires for both cars. Fell on my ass in the driveway. $145 to a chiropractor, but nothing was broken. More snow and ice expected.

Jan. 14 - Still cold as hell. Sold the wife's car and bought a 4 X 4 in order to get her to work. Slid into the guardrail anyway and did a considerable amount of damage to the right rear quarter panel. Had another 8 inches of the white shit again last night. Both vehicles are covered with salt and crud. More shoveling in store for me today. That goddamn snowplow came by twice today.

Jan. 15 - It's 2 ******* degrees outside. More ******* snow. Not a tree or shrub on our property that hasn't been damaged. Power was off most of the night. Tried to keep from freezing to death with candles and a kerosene heater, which tipped over and nearly burned the ******* house down. I managed to put the flames out, but suffered 2nd degree burns on my hands and lost all my eyebrows and eyelashes. The car slid off the road on the way to the emergency room and was totaled.

Jan. 16 - Goddamn mother fuckin' white shit keeps coming down. Have to put on all the clothes we own just to get to the fuckin' mailbox. If I ever catch that son-of-a-bitch that drives the snowplow, I'll chew open his chest and rip his heart out. I think he hides around the corner and waits until I shovel the driveway. Power is still off. Toilet froze and part of the roof has started to cave in.

Jan. 17 - Six goddamn more inches of fuckin' snow and sleet and ice and no telling what other kind of white shit fell last night. I wounded the fuckin' snowplow asshole with an ice axe, but he got away. Wife left me. Car won't start. I think I'm going snow-blind. I can't feel my fuckin' toes. Haven't seen the sun in weeks. More white shit is predicted. Wind chill is 22 fuckin' degrees below mother fuckin' zero. I'm movin' my fuckin' ass back to Texas.

[ggirod]

Re: Jokes Thread

the tourist was the bank- "lending" his cash at the beginning of the story. then he left town with it. no difference.

I guess, then, the moral of the story is to borrow from your neighbor sans interest and not a bank with interest because that former process is frictionless and efficient. If, instead, each of the people had borrowed from the bank, that $100 from the tourist (or from the bank) would have disappeared because the bank owes nobody in the story, and that leaves nothing for subsequent repayments by the others. By loaning money magically into existence and necessarily destroying it upon payment, plus charging interest, the bank acts as a frictional drag on the economy, not a driver.

But there is a lesson to be learned ... following your model, for every ten or more individual neighborly borrowers, somebody has to go to the bank and get a 24 hour note to clear the debt all around the circle and then repay that note. That would actually work, cuts interest costs to insignificant and it sounds like a good way to solve our problems.

[LargoWinch]

Re: Jokes Thread

Viewer's discretion is advised due to language, but nonetheless funny:

Financial Solution in 4min.

[GRG55]

Re: Jokes Thread

The cartoonists are having a field day with this thing...

[flintlock]

Re: Jokes Thread

Taking a wee break from the golf circuit, Tiger Woods drove his new Ford Excursion into an Irish gas station. An attendant greeted him in typical Irish manner, unaware who the golf pro was. Top of the mornin' to ya!" the Irishman smiled, doffing his cap.
As Tiger got out of the mammoth vehicle, two tees fell out of his pocket.
"So what are those, lad?" asked the attendant.
"They're called tees," replied Tiger.
"And what would ya be usin' 'em for, now?" inquired the Irishman.
"Well, they're for resting my balls on when I drive," said Tiger.

"AW! Jumpin Jehousafat and Saints be Praised ," exclaimed the Irish attendant.
"Those fellas at FORD think of everything!"

[kriden]

Re: Jokes Thread

[ViC78]

Re: Jokes Thread

All the economic you'll ever need to know.
21 Economic Models Explained
(I like the Royal Bank of Scotland Venture Capitalism best.)
SOCIALISM
You have 2 cows.
You give one to your neighbor.
COMMUNISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and gives you some milk.
FASCISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and sells you some milk.
NAZISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and shoots you.
BUREAUCRATISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both, shoots one, milks the other, and then throws the milk
away.
TRADITIONAL CAPITALISM
You have two cows.
You sell one and buy a bull. Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows.
You sell them and retire on the income.
SURREALISM
You have two giraffes.
The government requires you to take harmonica lessons.
AN AMERICAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows.
Later, you hire a consultant to analyze why the cow has dropped dead.
ROYAL BANK OF SCOTLAND VENTURE CAPITALISM
You have two cows.
You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of
credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute debt/equity
swap with an associated general offer so that you get all four cows back,
with a tax exemption for five cows.
The milk rights of the six cows are transferred via an intermediary to a
Cayman Island Company secretly owned by the majority shareholder who sells
the rights to all seven cows back to your listed company.
The annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an option on one
more. You sell one cow to buy a new president of the United States, leaving
you with nine cows.
No balance sheet provided with the release. The public then buys your bull.
A FRENCH CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You go on strike, organize a riot, and block the roads, because you want
three cows.
A JAPANESE CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and
produce twenty times the milk.
You then create a clever cow cartoon image called ?Cowkimon? and market it
world-wide.
A GERMAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You re-engineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month, and milk
themselves.
AN ITALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows, but you don't know where they are.
You decide to have lunch.
A RUSSIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You count them and learn you have five cows.
You count them again and learn you have 42 cows. You count them again and
learn you have 2 cows.
You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka.
A SWISS CORPORATION
You have 5000 cows. None of them belong to you.
You charge the owners for storing them.
A CHINESE CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You have 300 people milking them.
You claim that you have full employment, and high bovine productivity.
You arrest the newsman who reported the real situation.
AN INDIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows. You worship them.
A BRITISH CORPORATION
You have two cows. Both are mad.
AN IRAQI CORPORATION
Everyone thinks you have lots of cows.
You tell them that you have none.
No-one believes you, so they bomb the crap out of you and invade your
country.
You still have no cows, but at least you are now a Democracy.
AN AUSTRALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
Business seems pretty good.
You close the office and go for a few beers to celebrate.
A NEW ZEALAND CORPORATION
You have two cows.
The one on the left looks very attractive.

[LargoWinch]

Re: Jokes Thread

Funny or Die's Presidential Reunion from Will Ferrell

[peakishmael]

Re: Jokes Thread

Cats For Gold - turn your glitter to litter!
http://www.catsforgold.com/