Jokes Thread

[GRG55]

Re: Jokes Thread

Sent to me by a friend in Blighty...sounds like it could have been written by Mega...

KING UNVEILS RADICAL PLAN TO F*%$ BRITAIN INTO MIDDLE OF NEXT WEEK

BANK of England governor Mervyn King last night unveiled his latest radical plan to take Britain and f*%$ it squarely into the middle of next week.

Mr King and chancellor Alistair Darling agreed to increase the money supply after noticing how Britain was still not quite similar enough to Germany in 1932, or Zimbabwe this morning.

Mr King said: "Once we've laid the groundwork for hyper-inflation everything else should fall into place including the emergence of a strong, insane dictator, a nice new motorway network and our eventual annihilation."

Later today the government will release details of a scheme where people can hand in their wallets and purses in exchange for a shiny, new wheelbarrow to carry their money around in.

Across the country retailers are expected to soon begin pricing goods in wheelbarrows instead of pounds and pence. Newsagent WH Smith confirmed it will charge three and a half wheelbarrows for a can of Diet Fanta and a packet of Quavers.

Meanwhile economists are at odds over the new policy with some claiming it is pronounced 'quan-ti-ta-tive' while others have opted for the shorter, lazier 'quan-ta-tive'.

Dr Tom Booker, from Reading University, said: "It's the 'easing' bit that fascinates me. It makes it sound as if you're lowering yourself gently into a warm, soothing bath when in actual fact it's more like jumping head first into a swimming pool filled with spiders and glass."

He added: "What I'm particularly looking forward to is taking some news footage from this year and showing it in black and white alongside some film from Germany in the early Thirites to see if anyone can spot the difference.
"It'll be an amusing little game we can play when we're not murdering each other for a sausage roll."

[Raz]

Re: Jokes Thread

I hope this hasn't already been posted, but if so, it's worth another read.





I know this guy...its very sad....




A Letter from
”Wayne”...


It is important for men to remember that, as women grow older, it becomes harder for them to maintain the same
quality of housekeeping as when they were younger. When you notice this, try to show some understanding.
My name is Wayne, and let me relate how I handled the situation with my wife, Beverly.

When I retired a few years ago, it became necessary for Bev to get a fulltime job along with her part-time job, both for extra income and for the health benefits that we needed. Shortly after she started working, I noticed she was beginning to show her
age. I usually get home from the golf course about the same time she gets home from work. Although she knows how hungry I am, she almost always says she has to rest for half an hour or so before she starts dinner. I don’t yell at her. Instead, I tell her to take her time and just wake me when she gets dinner on the table. I generally have lunch in the Men’s Grill at the country club, so eating out again at night is not reasonable. I’m ready for some home-cooking when I hit that door.

She used to do the dishes as soon as we finished eating, but now it’s not unusual for them to sit on the table for several hours
after dinner. I do what I can by diplomatically reminding her several times each evening that the dishes won’t clean themselves.
I know she really appreciates this, as it does seem to motivate her to get them done before she goes to bed.

Another symptom of aging is complaining. For example, she will say that it’s difficult for her to find time to pay the monthly bills during her lunch hour. But, boys, we take ‘em for better or worse, so I just smile and offer encouragement.
I tell her to stretch it out over two or even three days. That way she won’t have to rush so much. I also remind her that missing
lunch completely now and then wouldn’t hurt her any (if you know what I mean). I like to think that this is one of my strong points.

When doing simple jobs, she seems to think she needs more rest periods. She had to take a break when she was only half finished mowing the yard. I try not to make a scene. I’m a fair man, so I tell her to fix herself a nice, big, cold glass of freshly squeezed lemonade and just sit for a while. And, as long as she is making one for herself, she may as well make one for me, too --- or just bring me a cold beer in a frosted mug.

I know that I probably look like a saint in the way I support Bev, and I’m not saying that showing this much consideration is easy. Nobody knows better than I do how frustrating women can be as they get older, but, guys, even if you just use a little more tact and less criticism of your aging wife because of this letter, I will consider that writing it was well worthwhile.
After all, we are put on this earth to help each other.

Signed,

Wayne


EDITOR’S NOTE:

Wayne died tragically on March 1^st of a perforated rectum. The police report says he was found with a Calloway extra long 50-inch Big Bertha Driver II golf club jammed up his rear end, with barely 5 inches of grip showing, and a sledge hammer lying nearby.

His wife Beverly was arrested and charged with murder. The all-woman jury took only 15 minutes to find her Not Guilty, accepting her defense that Wayne somehow, without looking, accidentally sat down on his golf club.

[ggirod]

Re: Jokes Thread

This is today's strip from one of the most creative strips around, http://www.sinfest.net

[WildspitzE]

Re: Jokes Thread

This may be a repost... buddy reminded me of it today:

"63 things that are oddly true....

1. More often than not, when someone is telling me a story all I can think about is that I can't wait for them to finish so that I can tell my own story that's not only better, but also more directly involves me.

2. Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong.

3. I don't understand the purpose of the line, "I don't need to drink to have fun." Great, no one does. But why start a fire with flint and sticks when they've invented the lighter?

4. Have you ever been walking down the street and realized that you're going in the complete opposite direction of where you are supposed to be going? But instead of just turning a 180 and walking back in the direction from which you came, you have to first do something like check your watch or phone or make a grand arm gesture and mutter to yourself to ensure that no one in the surrounding area thinks you're crazy by randomly switching directions on the sidewalk.

5. That's enough, Nickelback.

6. I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger.

7. The letters T and G are very close to each other on a keyboard. This recently became all too apparent to me and consequently I will never be ending a work email with the phrase "Regards" again.

8. Do you remember when you were a kid, playing Nintendo and it wouldn't work? You take the cartridge out, blow in it and that would magically fix the problem. Every kid in America did that, but how did we all know how to fix the problem? There was no internet or message boards or FAQ's. We just figured it out. Today's kids are soft..

9. There is a great need for sarcasm font.

10. Sometimes, I'll watch a movie that I watched when I was younger and suddenly realize I had no idea what the **** was going on when I first saw it.

11. I think everyone has a movie that they love so much, it actually becomes stressful to watch it with other people... I'll end up wasting 90 minutes shiftily glancing around to confirm that everyone's laughing at the right parts, then making sure I laugh just a little bit harder (and a millisecond earlier) to prove that I'm still the only one who really, really gets it.

12. The other night I hit a new low at an open bar. I had already hopped on highway blackout when, inevitably I had to find a bathroom. Eventually I decided it was probably on the other side of the bar so I tried to walk over there, but ran into a guy coming the other way... We played that, Both go left, Both go right game to no avail, so I finally put out my hand to guide myself past and that's is when I realized, yup, that's a mirror I just tried to walk through. And the guy on the other side is me. Even cats can recognize their own image.

13. How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?

14. I would rather try to carry 10 plastic grocery bags in each hand than take 2 trips to bring my groceries in.

15. I think part of a best friend's job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die..

16. The only time I look forward to a red light is when I'm trying to finish a text.

17. A recent study has shown that playing beer pong contributes to the spread of mono and the flu. Yeah, if you suck at it.

18. Was learning cursive really necessary?

19. Lol has gone from meaning, "laugh out loud" to "I have nothing else to say".

20. I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.

21. Answering the same letter three times or more in a row on a Scantron test is absolutely petrifying.

22. My brother's Municipal League baseball team is named the Stepdads. Seeing as none of the guys on the team are actual stepdads, I inquired about the name. He explained, "Cuz we beat you, and you hate us." Classy, bro.

23. Whenever someone says "I'm not book smart, but I'm street smart", all I hear is "I'm not real smart, but I'm imaginary smart".

24. How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod and smile because you still didn't hear what they said?

25. I love the sense of camaraderie when a n entire line of cars teams up to prevent a **** from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers!

26. Every time I have to spell a word over the phone using 'as in' examples, I will undoubtedly draw a blank and sound like a complete idiot. Today I had to spell my boss's last name to an attorney and said "Yes that's G as in....(10 second lapse)..ummm...Goonies"

27. What would happen if I hired two private investigators to follow each other?

28. While driving yesterday I saw a banana peel in the road and instinctively swerved to avoid it...thanks Mario Kart.

29. MapQuest really needs to start their directions on #5. Pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.

30. Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died..

31. I find it hard to believe there are actually people who get in the shower first and THEN turn on the water.

32.. Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get dirty, and you can wear them forever.

33. I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind of tired.

34. Bad decisions make good stories

35. Whenever I'm Facebook stalking someone and I find out that their profile is public I feel like a kid on Christmas morning who just got the Red Ryder BB gun that I always wanted. 546 pictures? Don't mind if I do!

36. Is it just me or do high school girls get sluttier & sluttier every year?

37. If Carmen San Diego and Waldo ever got together, their offspring would probably just be completely invisible.

38. Why is it that during an ice-breaker, when the whole room has to go around and say their name and where they are from, I get so incredibly nervous? Like I know my name, I know where I'm from, this shouldn't be a problem....

39. You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you've made up your mind that you just aren't doing anything productive for the rest of the day.

40. Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after DVDs? I don't want to have to restart my collection.

41. There's no worse feeling than that millisecond you're sure you are going to die after leaning your chair back a little too far.

42. I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten page research paper that I swear I did not make any changes to.

43. "Do not machine wash or tumble dry" means I will never wash this ever.

44. I hate being the one with the remote in a room full of people watching TV. There's so much pressure. 'I love this show, but will they judge me if I keep it on? I bet everyone is wishing we weren't watching this. It's only a matter of time before they all get up and leave the room. Will we still be friends after this?'

45. While watching the Olympics, I find myself cheering equally for China and USA . No, I am not of Chinese descent, but I am fairly certain that when Chinese athletes don't win, they are executed.

46. I hate when I just miss a call by the last ring (Hello? Hello? Damnit!), but when I immediately call back, it rings nine times and goes to voicemail.

What'd you do after I didn't answer? Drop the phone and run away?

47. I hate leaving my house confident and looking good and then not seeing anyone of importance the entire day. What a waste.

48. When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.

49. I like all of the music in my iTunes, except when it's on shuffle, then I like about one in every fifteen songs in my iTunes.

50. Why is a school zone 20 mph? That seems like the optimal cruising speed for pedophiles...

51. As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.

52. Sometimes I'll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not know what time it is.

53. It should probably be called Unplanned Parenthood..

54. I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.

55. I think that if, years down the road when I'm trying to have a kid, I find out that I'm sterile, most of my disappointment will stem from the fact that I was not aware of my condition in college.

56. Even if I knew your social security number, I wouldn't know what do to with it.

57. Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, hitting the G-spot, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey - but I'd bet my ass everyone can find and push the Snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time every time...

58. My 4-year old son asked me in the car the other day "Dad what would happen if you ran over a ninja?" How the hell do I respond to that?

59. It really pisses me off when I want to read a story on CNN.com and the link takes me to a video instead of text.

60. I wonder if cops ever get pissed off at the fact that everyone they drive behind obeys the speed limit.

61. I think the freezer deserves a light as well.

62. I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or Saturday night more kisses begin with Miller Lites than Kay.

63. The other night I ordered takeout, and when I looked in the bag, saw they had included four sets of plastic silverware. In other words, someone at the restaurant packed my order, took a second to think about it, and then estimate d that there must be at least four people eating to require such a large amount of food. Too bad I was eating by myself. There's nothing like being made to feel like a fat bastard before dinner."

[don]

Re: Jokes Thread

These were great, or at least 40 or so of them were. Very high average. Just what I needed, an old fashion remedy after reading the post about FIRE's Pharmaceuticals Thanks.

[LargoWinch]

Re: Jokes Thread

Goon Lake

[rabot10]

Re: Jokes Thread

A well known Vegas ventriloquist decides to take a week off in Wyoming

He decides to ride over and have a look. He rides up to the sheep herder and introduces himself but the herder couldn’t seem less interested.
So he decides to ask the herder “How do your dogs like herding sheep?”. The herder says "they like it fine". Well let me ask them myself the ventriloquist says “Hey, dogs how do you like this job?”
Well the ventriloquist throws his voice and the dogs seem to reply “this is the worst job west of the
The herder says “hey noway dogs can’t talk”
So the ventriloquist says to the herder, how’s your horse doing? Answer from the herder- "he’s doing fine the herder says" – well let me ask him myself. Hey horse how you doing? The horse answers “this guy needs to lose some weight big time he’s killing me”
The herder says “man that’s bullshit horses can’t talk”
So then the ventriloquist asks the herder how are the sheep doing? The herder answers “they are a bunch of freaken liars you can't believe a word they say!!”

[don]

Trader's Lament

Okay, I was drinking

But not that much.

They claimed I was over the limit.

Something like 0.12%

That’s nothing!

Less then 1%

By a big margin.

I should know, I trade on the floor….

Only Goldman can make a buck on that vig

But okay, I was over

Legally

But I was okay.

It was that damn GPS

I could hardly read the screen

Every turn I made put me further from my destination.

And Christ, what a voice.

Can’t that be changed?

So I had to text.

My geek techie friend is responsible for me owning all this crap

So I text’d him

He had it coming

Then I had to decipher all that damn shorthand he uses.

What a Night

What a Drive

You’d think I’d get some sympathy

At least from the judge

(Unless he was Madoff’d!)

[flintlock]

People of Walmart

Not a joke but I thought it was funny.

From www.peopleofwalmart.com

http://www.facebook.com/pages/wwwpeo...hotos&viewas=0

http://www.facebook.com/album.php?ai...6&l=95661dc747

[tacito]

Stocks down, fish up.

While we european pigs (Portugal, Ireland, Greece, Spain) could actually have deflation, you americans make me feel nostalgic. In the seventies, when I used to have so much hair, two spanish clowns made a news program where the economical news were always the same:

"Baja la bolsa."
"Sube el pescado."

"The bag (the stock exchange, the stocks) goes down."
"Fish goes up."

And you could see a bag like the bags women take when they go to the market going down left to the table. And a big fish going up at right.

The spanish peseta had an inflation rate of about 15% and the stocks were dead.

The dictatorship had just finished at the time and we have freedom of speech. But we didn't know if it was for real. So their goodbye was always:

"And next week, we'll talk about the goverment."

They were known as Tip and Coll.

The chart behind Tip is the Down August to December 2009.

[santafe2]

Re: Jokes Thread

I bet Lenny Dykstra has some. He just stiffed the printer, and is being sued.:eek:

Now that's a name I haven't heard in a while. True story:

Backgrounder for anyone who doesn't know the story, Dykstra got drunk in the middle of his career, 1991 or close to that, and drove his car into a tree.

Dodger stadium 1992. We've got seats about 4 rows up on first base and the Phillies are in town. Lenny comes up to bat and treats the on-deck circle like his own home. He looks back at us like he'd rather take the bat to all of us than the ball. He was a force of nature...but he strikes out and walks back to a few cat calls.

About inning 3 he strikes out again. Now he's pissed off and the fans are booing him. As he walks into the dugout he gives us all a look that let's us know he's going to kick some ass before the day is over.

Inning 6, he's on deck and not looking at anyone in the stands. Focused and ready to teach everyone in LA a lesson. But he strikes out for a third time. As he walks back, fans are riding him and tossing cups and other trash. He never looks up.

He comes up in the 9th. On deck and this time he turns around to let us know he's going to crush all of us for not believing. And the guy next to me yells out, "Hey Lenny, pretend the ball is a tree". Then everyone is yelling and laughing and all over Dykstra. If looks could kill the fan is a dead man. But they don't and Lenny strikes out a fourth time and as he walks back to the dugout he points the bat to my neighbor and walks down. The look is so cold, no one is laughing and more than a few people are wondering if the 3 foot fence is enough to keep him out. But as Dykstra disappears the fan turns to all of us within range and says, "I got him".

I was thinking, yeah but he's still got a bat. And we walked out of the park.

[flintlock]

Re: Jokes Thread

An elderly man in Georgia had owned a large farm for several years. He
had a beautiful large pond at the back of the property next to the road, and
he'd fixed it up real nice with picnic tables, horseshoe pits, and he'd
planted some nice flowers and fruit trees next to the pond. One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond to look it
over, as he hadn't been down there for a while. He grabbed a five-gallon
bucket to bring back some fruit.
As he neared the pond, he heard splashing and female voices shouting and
laughing with glee. As he came closer he saw that 5 young women had
parked their car at the side of the road, climbed the fence and were
skinny-dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence and
they all went hurriedly splashing to the deep end. One of the women
shouted to him, 'We're naked and we're not coming out until you leave!'
The old man frowned and yelled back, 'I didn't come down here to watch
you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond.'
Holding the bucket up he said, 'I'm just here to feed the alligator.'

[rabot10]

Re: Jokes Thread

One day a fourth-grade teacher asked the children what their fathers did
for a living. All the typical answers came up -- fireman, mechanic,
businessman, salesman, doctor, lawyer, and so forth.

However, little Justin was being uncharacteristically quiet, so when the
teacher prodded him about his father, he replied, "My father's an exotic
dancer in a gay cabaret and takes off all his clothes in front of other
men and they put money in his underwear.

Sometimes, if the offer is really good, he will go home with some guy and
stay with him all night for money."

The teacher, obviously shaken by this statement, hurriedly set the other
children to work on some exercises and then took little Justin aside to
ask him, "Is that really true about your father?"

"No," the boy said, "He works for the Democratic National Committee and
worked on Obama's campaign and got him elected President, but I was too
embarrassed to say that in front of the other kids."

[metalman]

Re: Jokes Thread

salesman comes up to our house and knocks on the front door. it's opened by little ten year-old metalman who has a lighted joint in one hand, a glass of whiskey in the other and a penthouse magazine tucked under his arm.

salesman... 'hello son. is your mom or dad home?'

little boy mm: 'what the f&ck do you think?'

[flintlock]

Re: Jokes Thread

The pastor asked if a anyone in the congregation would like to express praise for answered
prayers. A lady stood and walked to the podium.
She said, "I have praise. Two months ago, my husband Tom, had a terrible bicycle wreck
and his scrotum was completely crushed. The pain was excruciating and the Doctors
didn't know if they could help him."

You could hear an audible gasp from the men in the congregation as they imagined the
pain that poor Tom experienced.
She continued, "Tom was unable to hold me or the children and every move caused him
terrible pain. We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation. They were able to
piece together the crushed remnants of Tom's scrotum and wrap wire around it to hold it in place."
Again, the men in the congregation squirmed uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgery performed on Tom.

She continued, "Now, Tom is out of the hospital and the doctors say, with time, his scrotum
should recover completely."

All the men sighed with relief. The pastor rose and tentatively asked if anyone else had anything to say.
A man rose and walked to the podium.
He said, "Hi, I'm Tom. And I want to tell my wife, the word is STERNUM."