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These were posted on an Australian Tourism Website
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Q: Does it ever get windy in Australia ? I have never seen it
rain on TV, how do the plants grow? ( UK ).
A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around
watching them die.
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Q: Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street? ( USA )
A: Depends how much you've been drinking.
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Q: I want to walk from Perth to Sydney - can I follow the
railroad tracks? ( Sweden )
A: Sure, it's only three thousand miles, take lots of water.
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Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in Australia ? Can you
send me a list of them in Brisbane , Cairns ,Townsville and
Hervey Bay ? ( UK )
A: What did your last slave die of?
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Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in
Australia ? ( USA )
A: A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of
Europe .
Aus-tra-lia is that big island in the middle of the Pacific
which does not
... oh forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday
night in Kings Cross. Come naked.
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Q: Which direction is North in Australia ? ( USA )
A: Face south and then turn 180 degrees. Contact us when you
get here and we'll send the rest of the directions.
_________________________________________________
Q: Can I bring cutlery into Australia ? ( UK )
A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do.
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Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? ( USA )
A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y,
which is ...
oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday
night in Kings Cross, straight after the hippo races. Come
naked.
__________________________________________________
Q: Can I wear high heels in Australia ? ( UK )
A: You are a British politician, right?
__________________________________________________
Q: Are there supermarkets in Sydney and is milk available all
year round? ( Germany )
A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of vegan
hunter/gatherers.
Milk is illegal.
__________________________________________________
Q: Please send a list of all doctors in Australia who can
Dispense rattlesnake serum. ( USA )
A: Rattlesnakes live in A-meri-ca which is where YOU come from.
All Australian snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely
handled and make good pets.
__________________________________________________
Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Australia , but I
forget its name. It's a kind of bear and lives in trees. ( USA
)
A: It's called a Drop Bear. They are so called because they
drop out of Gum trees and eat the brains of anyone walking
underneath them.
You can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine
before you go out walking.
__________________________________________________
Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of
youth. Can you tell me where I can sell it in Australia ? ( USA
)
A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.
__________________________________________________
Q: Can you tell me the regions in Tasmania where the female
population is smaller than the male population? ( Italy )
A: Yes, gay night clubs.
__________________________________________________
Q: Do you celebrate Christmas in Australia ? ( France )
A: Only at Christmas.
__________________________________________________
Q: I was in Australia in 1969 on R+R, and I want to contact the
Girl I dated while I was staying in Kings Cross*. Can you help?
( USA )
A: Yes, and you will still have to pay her by the hour..
__________________________________________________
Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go? ( USA )
A: Yes, but you'll have to learn it first
__________________________________________________
Q: Does it ever get windy in Australia ? I have never seen it
rain on TV, how do the plants grow? ( UK ).
A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around
watching them die.
__________________________________________________
Q: Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street? ( USA )
A: Depends how much you've been drinking.
__________________________________________________
Q: I want to walk from Perth to Sydney - can I follow the
railroad tracks? ( Sweden )
A: Sure, it's only three thousand miles, take lots of water.
__________________________________________________
Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in Australia ? Can you
send me a list of them in Brisbane , Cairns ,Townsville and
Hervey Bay ? ( UK )
A: What did your last slave die of?
__________________________________________________
Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in
Australia ? ( USA )
A: A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of
Europe .
Aus-tra-lia is that big island in the middle of the Pacific
which does not
... oh forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday
night in Kings Cross. Come naked.
__________________________________________________
Q: Which direction is North in Australia ? ( USA )
A: Face south and then turn 180 degrees. Contact us when you
get here and we'll send the rest of the directions.
_________________________________________________
Q: Can I bring cutlery into Australia ? ( UK )
A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do.
__________________________________________________
Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? ( USA )
A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y,
which is ...
oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday
night in Kings Cross, straight after the hippo races. Come
naked.
__________________________________________________
Q: Can I wear high heels in Australia ? ( UK )
A: You are a British politician, right?
__________________________________________________
Q: Are there supermarkets in Sydney and is milk available all
year round? ( Germany )
A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of vegan
hunter/gatherers.
Milk is illegal.
__________________________________________________
Q: Please send a list of all doctors in Australia who can
Dispense rattlesnake serum. ( USA )
A: Rattlesnakes live in A-meri-ca which is where YOU come from.
All Australian snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely
handled and make good pets.
__________________________________________________
Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Australia , but I
forget its name. It's a kind of bear and lives in trees. ( USA
)
A: It's called a Drop Bear. They are so called because they
drop out of Gum trees and eat the brains of anyone walking
underneath them.
You can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine
before you go out walking.
__________________________________________________
Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of
youth. Can you tell me where I can sell it in Australia ? ( USA
)
A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.
__________________________________________________
Q: Can you tell me the regions in Tasmania where the female
population is smaller than the male population? ( Italy )
A: Yes, gay night clubs.
__________________________________________________
Q: Do you celebrate Christmas in Australia ? ( France )
A: Only at Christmas.
__________________________________________________
Q: I was in Australia in 1969 on R+R, and I want to contact the
Girl I dated while I was staying in Kings Cross*. Can you help?
( USA )
A: Yes, and you will still have to pay her by the hour..
__________________________________________________
Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go? ( USA )
A: Yes, but you'll have to learn it first
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