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Due to the current financial situation caused by the slowdown in the economy, Management has decided to implement a scheme to put workers of 50 years of age and above on early retirement.
This scheme will be known as Retire Aged People Early (RAPE).
Persons selected for RAPE can apply to Management to be considered for Special Help After Forced Termination (SHAFT).
Persons who have been part of the RAPE and SHAFT programs will be reviewed for eligibility for the Scheme Covering Retired-Early Workers (SCREW) post-termination program.
A person may receive RAPE once, SHAFT twice and SCREW as many times as Management deems appropriate.
Persons who have received RAPE could get Additional Income for Dependants & Spouse (AIDS) or be eligible for Half Earnings for Retired Personnel Early Severance (HERPES).
Persons who have received AIDS or HERPES are not eligible for SHAFT or SCREW by Management.
Persons who remain employed will receive Special High Intensity Training (SHIT) to increase productivity. Management prides itself on the amount of SHIT it gives employees. Should you feel that you do not receive enough SHIT, please bring this to the attention of your Supervisor, who has been trained to give you all the SHIT you can handle, and then some.
Sincerely,
Management
P.S. Due to recent budget cuts and the rising cost of electricity, gas and oil,as well as current market conditions, the Light at the End of the Tunnel has been turned off. We apologize for the inconvenience.
This scheme will be known as Retire Aged People Early (RAPE).
Persons selected for RAPE can apply to Management to be considered for Special Help After Forced Termination (SHAFT).
Persons who have been part of the RAPE and SHAFT programs will be reviewed for eligibility for the Scheme Covering Retired-Early Workers (SCREW) post-termination program.
A person may receive RAPE once, SHAFT twice and SCREW as many times as Management deems appropriate.
Persons who have received RAPE could get Additional Income for Dependants & Spouse (AIDS) or be eligible for Half Earnings for Retired Personnel Early Severance (HERPES).
Persons who have received AIDS or HERPES are not eligible for SHAFT or SCREW by Management.
Persons who remain employed will receive Special High Intensity Training (SHIT) to increase productivity. Management prides itself on the amount of SHIT it gives employees. Should you feel that you do not receive enough SHIT, please bring this to the attention of your Supervisor, who has been trained to give you all the SHIT you can handle, and then some.
Sincerely,
Management
P.S. Due to recent budget cuts and the rising cost of electricity, gas and oil,as well as current market conditions, the Light at the End of the Tunnel has been turned off. We apologize for the inconvenience.