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Metalman's real estate agent's housing depression survival guide
Even in boom times, selling houses totally sucks. Hey, you only got into it because you got fired from every other shit job you ever had and are too ugly for porno. Who wants to see your naked fat ass anyway? No me!
In good times competition in real estate is intense. Only the quick to cut deals with local sleazebucket lawyers, appraisers, lenders and bribe the schmucks working in the town deeds office win the business and make it.
Ah, those were the good old days. Not anymore! The housing market's shit the bed and the press can't give us a break. They used to be our pals, but not since we ran out of ad $$$. What with the FBI sniffing around and banks no longer tossing us bonus cash in brown bags for selling loans to drug addicts and retards, it's time get creative! So put down that six pack of Schlitz and listen the fuck up!
Selling real estate the fraud free way
'Can I really make money in real estate without lying, cheating and stealing?' you ask.
Yes we can, pilgrim! I'll show you how!*
In the first part of my 139 part series I show you how to make crappy property in a shit market 'Sell like hell'!
Part 1: The ad.
The ad for a property is your prospect's first encounter with the crap piece of shit homes you sell. Mistakes here will cost you a sale before you ever get the chance to blow it by showing up late for an open house drunk, throwing up on the floor, hitting up on the seller's wife and other mistakes I will help you not make with my fantastic new program.
Ten things to not put in an ad if up want to survive selling real estate in a housing depression.
1. Don't call a shitty house 'charming'.
Charming = shitty.
Don't say 'Charming'. Don't say 'quiet' either.
Your prospect reads the ad above like this... 'Shitty 4 room, 1 bedroom, in deserted area where murderers released on furlough randomly attack and kill people in their sleep'.
Try this instead:
Tornado or flood wipe out your trailer home? Take the insurance money and move up to this solid home on high ground.
Know your customer! Create each ad for them.
2. Avoid dickwad words like "cozy'.
Cozy = small, shitty.
Don't talk about a river if it has a name like "Stillwater"... the reader will see a mosquito invested swamp. Say 'one bedroom with two walk-in closets'. Forget the ******* river.
And corn fields are goddamn creepy. They remind people of Children of the Corn. Leave the corn field out of it, too.
3. 'Commercial' is a no-no.
Commercial = too shitty even to live in.
I can't stress this enough. Do not exaggerate the qualities of the properties you list.
'Super location for any office of business?' Sure, if you're making snuff movies. Really, don't bother trying to sell this house... it looks like it's right out of Silence of the Lambs.
4. Don't say 'Just listed" if the home's been re-listed five times. That just lets everyone know you are a liar.
This scam worked back in the housing bubble days but 'Just listed" these days means "Just listed for the 10th time in three years'. People are ******* stupid but not that stupid.
5. Don't beg
You want a quick close? I want a half dozen Brazillian models to stay at my house for a week working my unit. So what? Who cares what you or your desperate crank smoking seller wants?
6. Don't bother trying to sell spec homes
Time to build? Are you kidding? There's like 1000 years of inventory. Don't be a moron. Just forget it, ok?
7. Don't exaggerate!
'Doesn't get better than this' unless you're living in a Chinese factory/prison with a hot plate and a toilet for a kitchen. Debt serfs living in suburban condo-pens is bad enough.
8. Never lead with price, stupid
Leading with a low price says, "This house sucks'. Paint and 'some tools'? Bulldozer it. Tear it down. Burn it. Sell drugs out of it. Don't sell it.
9. Gimme a ******* break
Yesteryear's craftsmanship = old, old, old.
House like this will make you appreciate modern heating, electricity, & appliances.
10. Bring a ******* toolkit?
Are you kidding me? Like I don't have enough shit to deal with in your life?
Wait, I can buy a whole church of $300 grand? Why didn't you say so.
Forget this real estate in a depression shit. I'm starting a religion. Way more profitable. Stay tuned for metalman's 'how to get rich off morons who have nothing to believe in now that the housing and stock markets are for shit'.
* For only 19 payments of $12.35 each.
Metalman's real estate agent's housing depression survival guide
Even in boom times, selling houses totally sucks. Hey, you only got into it because you got fired from every other shit job you ever had and are too ugly for porno. Who wants to see your naked fat ass anyway? No me!
In good times competition in real estate is intense. Only the quick to cut deals with local sleazebucket lawyers, appraisers, lenders and bribe the schmucks working in the town deeds office win the business and make it.
Ah, those were the good old days. Not anymore! The housing market's shit the bed and the press can't give us a break. They used to be our pals, but not since we ran out of ad $$$. What with the FBI sniffing around and banks no longer tossing us bonus cash in brown bags for selling loans to drug addicts and retards, it's time get creative! So put down that six pack of Schlitz and listen the fuck up!
Selling real estate the fraud free way
'Can I really make money in real estate without lying, cheating and stealing?' you ask.
Yes we can, pilgrim! I'll show you how!*
In the first part of my 139 part series I show you how to make crappy property in a shit market 'Sell like hell'!
Part 1: The ad.
The ad for a property is your prospect's first encounter with the crap piece of shit homes you sell. Mistakes here will cost you a sale before you ever get the chance to blow it by showing up late for an open house drunk, throwing up on the floor, hitting up on the seller's wife and other mistakes I will help you not make with my fantastic new program.
Ten things to not put in an ad if up want to survive selling real estate in a housing depression.
1. Don't call a shitty house 'charming'.
Charming = shitty.
Don't say 'Charming'. Don't say 'quiet' either.
Your prospect reads the ad above like this... 'Shitty 4 room, 1 bedroom, in deserted area where murderers released on furlough randomly attack and kill people in their sleep'.
Try this instead:
Tornado or flood wipe out your trailer home? Take the insurance money and move up to this solid home on high ground.
Know your customer! Create each ad for them.
2. Avoid dickwad words like "cozy'.
Cozy = small, shitty.
Don't talk about a river if it has a name like "Stillwater"... the reader will see a mosquito invested swamp. Say 'one bedroom with two walk-in closets'. Forget the ******* river.
And corn fields are goddamn creepy. They remind people of Children of the Corn. Leave the corn field out of it, too.
3. 'Commercial' is a no-no.
Commercial = too shitty even to live in.
I can't stress this enough. Do not exaggerate the qualities of the properties you list.
'Super location for any office of business?' Sure, if you're making snuff movies. Really, don't bother trying to sell this house... it looks like it's right out of Silence of the Lambs.
4. Don't say 'Just listed" if the home's been re-listed five times. That just lets everyone know you are a liar.
This scam worked back in the housing bubble days but 'Just listed" these days means "Just listed for the 10th time in three years'. People are ******* stupid but not that stupid.
5. Don't beg
You want a quick close? I want a half dozen Brazillian models to stay at my house for a week working my unit. So what? Who cares what you or your desperate crank smoking seller wants?
6. Don't bother trying to sell spec homes
Time to build? Are you kidding? There's like 1000 years of inventory. Don't be a moron. Just forget it, ok?
7. Don't exaggerate!
'Doesn't get better than this' unless you're living in a Chinese factory/prison with a hot plate and a toilet for a kitchen. Debt serfs living in suburban condo-pens is bad enough.
8. Never lead with price, stupid
Leading with a low price says, "This house sucks'. Paint and 'some tools'? Bulldozer it. Tear it down. Burn it. Sell drugs out of it. Don't sell it.
9. Gimme a ******* break
Yesteryear's craftsmanship = old, old, old.
House like this will make you appreciate modern heating, electricity, & appliances.
10. Bring a ******* toolkit?
Are you kidding me? Like I don't have enough shit to deal with in your life?
Wait, I can buy a whole church of $300 grand? Why didn't you say so.
Forget this real estate in a depression shit. I'm starting a religion. Way more profitable. Stay tuned for metalman's 'how to get rich off morons who have nothing to believe in now that the housing and stock markets are for shit'.
* For only 19 payments of $12.35 each.
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