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As the new swine flu health crisis collides with the struggling economy, pork industry interests work hard for an official renaming of the virus to "Mexican Flu," NAFTA interests try to deflect the origin of the pandemic from Mexico with the proposed name "PanAmerican Flu," and pan American interests push to embed the virus in the world's psyche as the "Wall Street Flu."
The Bureau of Labored Statistics is expected to release official measures of deaths caused by the new virus even before the virus that has caused dozens of "deaths" is officially wrapped in an politically acceptable term, a new flu death classification system of the BLS has been developed and leaked to us tonight.
Modeled after the Alternative Measures of Labor Utilization, the definitions of "dead" from the new flu from shall be:
D-1: Dead 15 weeks or longer, as a percent of total dead (basically dead)
D-2: Dead persons who completed an application for a new mortgage before death but were not approved for the latest government program, as a percent of total dead
D-3: Total dead, as a percent of the almost dead who can never take out a new mortgage (official death rate)
D-4: Total dead plus not dead yet, as a percent of total dead plus the almost dead who can never take out a new mortgage
D-5: Total dead, plus the almost dead who can never take out a new mortgage, plus all other almost dead who can never shop again, as a percent of almost dead who can never take out a new mortgage
D-6: Total dead, plus the almost dead who can never take out a new mortgage, plus all other almost dead who can't shop, plus dead who are so sick they can't even watch cable TV from their hospital bed and generate ad revenue, as a percent of almost dead who can never take out a new mortgage (useless, as far as the government is concerned)
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