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Scientists Advance Dubious Theory on Heat Wave

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  • Scientists Advance Dubious Theory on Heat Wave

    Scientists Trace Heat Wave To Massive Star At Center Of Solar System

    August 8, 2011

    According to scientists, the large star could be described as a tremendous ball of energy.



    PASADENA, CA—Groundbreaking new findings announced Monday suggest the record-setting heat wave plaguing much of the United States may be due to radiation emitted from an enormous star located in the center of the solar system.


    Scientists believe the star, which they have named G2V65, may in fact be the same bright yellow orb seen arcing over the sky day after day, and given its extreme heat and proximity to Earth, it is likely not only to have caused the heat wave, but to be responsible for every warm day in human history.


    "Our measurements indicate the massive amount of energy this thing gives off is able to travel 93 million miles and reach our planet is as little as eight and a half minutes," said Professor Mitch Kivens, an astronomer at the California Institute of Technology. "While we can't see them, we're fairly certain these infrared rays strike Earth's surface, become trapped by the atmosphere, and just heat everything up like a great big oven."




    "We originally thought that if this star was producing temperatures of 100-plus in the South and Midwest, it must be at least 100 degrees itself," Kivens added. "But it turns out it's far, far hotter than that, with a surface temperature of nearly 10,900 degrees Fahrenheit."


    Kivens and his CalTech colleagues said this intense radiation, which results from constant nuclear reactions converting hydrogen to helium in the star's core, could also account for why the orb in the sky is extremely bright and difficult to stare at directly.


    While scientists initially assumed the heat and luminescence of the star must make it the largest in the universe—a theory lent credence by the star appearing much bigger than other objects in the sky—they said the data actually appear to refute such a notion.


    "Apparently it's gigantic simply because it's closer to us than any other star," Kivens said. "Which would also account for why we feel this particular star's heat during the day but are not warmed by the tiny blinking stars we see at night."


    "It's interesting stuff," he added.


    According to Kivens, the discovery has prompted researchers to explore the possibility that a variety of phenomena accompanying the heat wave could also be linked to the star, including taller grass, hot car seats, red skin burns, and sweating "even when one has just been standing there and hasn't been running around or anything."


    An additional study is reportedly being conducted to determine if the unexplained shrinking of puddles until they disappear may be caused by star-hotness soaking up all the loose water. Moreover, scientists reportedly believe the heat emitted from the glowing orb could potentially be the reason why it is uncomfortable to walk on asphalt barefoot.


    When asked if anything could be done to prevent or counteract the star's heat production, Kivens expressed skepticism.


    "No, for the foreseeable future, I think we're locked into orbit with this thing," he said. "Although the star seems to disappear every night, 24-hour reports from around the world seem to indicate the star never leaves Earth entirely."


    Residents of heat- and drought-stricken regions welcomed the findings, thankful to finally have an explanation for the high temperatures, if no relief from them.


    "That makes sense, because it's usually hotter when that [star] is up in the air," said Stillwater, OK resident Asher Arps, 31, speaking to reporters as temperature rose to 110 degrees over the weekend. "I knew it lit things up, of course, but I didn't realize it could make things hot."


    "The big star heats the earth, and the moon cools it—I get it," he added.


    As to potential applications of the new discovery, experts acknowledge the possibilities could be limitless.


    "This is a watershed moment," renewable energy specialist Dr. Martin Flint said. "Who knows where this could lead? Perhaps we could develop a method of harnessing these big star rays and transforming them into some sort of ecologically friendly power source."


    "Wait, what am I saying?" he said, laughing. "I'm getting ahead of myself. We still don't understand how it's possible for that thing to be up in the sky in January when it's freezing outside."

    http://www.theonion.com/articles/sci...ntnews#enlarge

  • #2
    Re: Scientists Advance Dubious Theory on Heat Wave

    In response, Creation Scientist and ExxonMobil lobbyist, John Doe, commented that evidence to suggest that the sun is at the center of the solar system is speculative and stands by the belief that in fact the Sun revolves around the Earth. "If this is the case", he said, "the whole massive star in the center of the solar system theory has serious flaws." When asked about the refinement of the Sun centered system by Kepler backed by new data from Galileo Doe commented that "People see all kinds of things in a Telescope and that their political agenda taints most of their data and theories with serious doubt. There are two sides to every debate."

    Comment


    • #3
      Re: Scientists Advance Dubious Theory on Heat Wave

      Every scientific inquiry must be balanced when corporate interests are at stake. Like the newz.

      Comment


      • #4
        Re: Scientists Advance Dubious Theory on Heat Wave

        As far as I know (not much really) infrared rays could not travel at more than the speed of light 300.000 km per second.
        And, when I went to school I was told that the nearest star was alpha centaur, at 4 light years from the earth.
        So????????

        "Our measurements indicate the massive amount of energy this thing gives off is able to travel 93 million miles and reach our planet is as little as eight and a half minutes,"

        Comment


        • #5
          Re: Scientists Advance Dubious Theory on Heat Wave

          Originally posted by Southernguy View Post
          As far as I know (not much really) infrared rays could not travel at more than the speed of light 300.000 km per second.
          And, when I went to school I was told that the nearest star was alpha centaur, at 4 light years from the earth.
          So????????

          "Our measurements indicate the massive amount of energy this thing gives off is able to travel 93 million miles and reach our planet is as little as eight and a half minutes,"

          Comment


          • #6
            Re: Scientists Advance Dubious Theory on Heat Wave

            In other news The Federal Reserve Chairman gave an impromptu press release:


            Drunken Ben Bernanke Tells Everyone At Neighborhood Bar How Screwed U.S. Economy Really Is

            August 3, 2011 | ISSUE 47•31

            The intoxicated Federal Reserve chairman informs bar patrons of the dangers of reckless spending.





            SEWARD, NE—Claiming he wasn't afraid to let everyone in attendance know about "the real mess we're in," Federal Reserve chairman Ben Bernanke reportedly got drunk Tuesday and told everyone at Elwood's Corner Tavern about how absolutely fucked the U.S. economy actually is.
            Bernanke, who sources confirmed was "totally sloshed," arrived at the drinking establishment at approximately 5:30 p.m., ensconced himself upon a bar stool, and consumed several bottles of Miller High Life and a half-dozen shots of whiskey while loudly proclaiming to any patron who would listen that the economic outlook was "pretty goddamned awful if you want the God's honest truth."
            "Look, they don't want anyone except for the Washington, D.C. bigwigs to know how bad shit really is," said Bernanke, slurring his words as he spoke. "Mounting debt exacerbated—and not relieved—by unchecked consumption, spiraling interest rates, and the grim realities of an inevitable worldwide energy crisis are projected to leave our entire economy in the shitter for, like, a generation, man, I'm telling you."


            A drunken Bernanke attempts to find the Aerosmith song "Back In The Saddle" on the bar jukebox.

            "And hell, as long as we're being honest, I might as well tell you that a truer estimate of the U.S. unemployment rate is actually up around 16 percent, with a 0.7 percent annual rate of economic growth if we're lucky—if we're lucky," continued Bernanke, nearly knocking a full beer over while gesturing with his hands. "Of course, if everybody knew that, it would likely cripple financial markets across the entire f***ing globe, even in various emerging economies with self- sustaining growth."

            After launching into an extended 45-minute diatribe about shortsighted moves by "those bastards in Congress" that could potentially exacerbate the nation's already deeply troublesome budget imbalance, the Federal Reserve chairman reportedly bought a round of tequila shots for two customers he had just met who were seated on either side of him, announcing, "I love these guys."

            Numerous bar patrons slowly nodded in agreement as Bernanke went on to suggest the United States could pass three or four more stimulus packages and "it wouldn't even matter."

            "You think that's going to create long-term economic growth, let alone promote job creation?" Bernanke said. "We're way beyond that, my friend. There are no jobs, okay? There's nothing. I think that calls for another drink, don't you?"

            While using beer bottles and pretzel sticks in an attempt to explain to the bartender the importance of infusing $650 billion into the bond market, the inebriated Fed chairman nearly fell off his stool and had to be held up by the patron sitting next to him.
            Another bargoer confirmed Bernanke stood about 2 inches from her face and sprayed her with saliva, claiming inflation was going to "totally screw" consumer confidence and then asking if he could bum a smoke.

            "Sure, we could hold down long-term interest rates and pursue a program of quantitative easing, but c'mon, we all know that's not going to make the slightest bit of difference when it comes to output, demand, or employment," Bernanke said before being told to "try to keep [his] voice down" by the bartender. "And trust me, with the value of the U.S. dollar in the toilet, import costs going through the roof, and numerous world governments unprepared for their own substantial debt burdens, shit's not looking too good for us abroad, either."

            "God, I'm so wasted," added Bernanke, resting his head on the bar.

            Later in the evening, Richard Kampman, a truck driver who was laid off in 2010, said Bernanke approached him in the men's restroom and attempted to strike up a conversation about various factors contributing to the current financial crisis.

            "He stumbled up to the urinal and started mumbling on about the depressed housing sector or something," said Kampman, who claimed Bernanke had to use both hands on the wall to steady himself. "Then after a while he just sort of stopped and I couldn't tell if he was laughing or crying."
            "Then he puked all over the sink and the mirror," Kampman added.

            Customers at the bar told reporters the "shitfaced" and disruptive Bernanke refused to pay for his drinks with U.S. currency, claiming it was "worthless." Witnesses also confirmed that near the end of the evening, Bernanke put money into the jukebox and selected Dire Straits' "Money For Nothing" to play five times in a row.
            "This is what it's all about," said Bernanke, who reportedly danced alone in the middle of the dark tavern. "f***ing love this song."


            Source: http://www.theonion.com/articles/dru...hborhoo,21059/



            Looks like Shadowstats is closer to the truth of the real UE rate than not. I wonder if Ben arrived at the same conclusion independently or just reads the site himself?
            Last edited by snakela; August 12, 2011, 12:48 PM. Reason: spelling/formatting

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