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After Fifth Beer.
WASHINGTON—Despite ongoing economic woes and a jobless rate that has been approaching 10 percent, U.S. unemployment projections drastically improved Monday after the consumption of five beers.
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"It's going up," leading economist David Singleton said confidently, indicating the predicted growth in jobs with an upward wave of a Bud Light bottle. "All the way up. By the end of the month. No problem."
Singleton said the economy would begin its rebound once employers realized that there were many currently unemployed skilled laborers across the country who would "bust their asses" in a number of growing fields.
"Whether it's manufacturing, finance, hospitality, or manufacturing, these dudes trying to reenter the workforce right now have awesome skill sets and, most of all, they really deserve it," he said. "They're great, great guys. All of them."
According to analysts, both long- and short-term forecasts showed signs of recovery between the third and fourth beer, but the fifth alcoholic beverage was the point at which the employment rate began to close in on 100 percent.
Even in Michigan, home to the nation's highest unemployment numbers, fairly buzzed sources described a bright future for thousands of laid-off automotive workers and their families. State labor director Stanley Pruss echoed the sentiment, saying that he fully expected out-of-work Michigan residents to be back on their feet in no time.
"Something will come along for everyone. Something even better, you'll see," Pruss told reporters at a Lansing bar with a generous happy-hour special. "Our state, all this unemployment, you know...pfft. It's bullshit. Bullshit. If we just work together, we can make it better. For everyone! But look, why are we even talking about this? Life is short, man. Just enjoy the ride!"
http://www.theonion.com/content/news...urce=a-section
WASHINGTON—Despite ongoing economic woes and a jobless rate that has been approaching 10 percent, U.S. unemployment projections drastically improved Monday after the consumption of five beers.
Enlarge Image
"It's going up," leading economist David Singleton said confidently, indicating the predicted growth in jobs with an upward wave of a Bud Light bottle. "All the way up. By the end of the month. No problem."
Singleton said the economy would begin its rebound once employers realized that there were many currently unemployed skilled laborers across the country who would "bust their asses" in a number of growing fields.
"Whether it's manufacturing, finance, hospitality, or manufacturing, these dudes trying to reenter the workforce right now have awesome skill sets and, most of all, they really deserve it," he said. "They're great, great guys. All of them."
According to analysts, both long- and short-term forecasts showed signs of recovery between the third and fourth beer, but the fifth alcoholic beverage was the point at which the employment rate began to close in on 100 percent.
Even in Michigan, home to the nation's highest unemployment numbers, fairly buzzed sources described a bright future for thousands of laid-off automotive workers and their families. State labor director Stanley Pruss echoed the sentiment, saying that he fully expected out-of-work Michigan residents to be back on their feet in no time.
"Something will come along for everyone. Something even better, you'll see," Pruss told reporters at a Lansing bar with a generous happy-hour special. "Our state, all this unemployment, you know...pfft. It's bullshit. Bullshit. If we just work together, we can make it better. For everyone! But look, why are we even talking about this? Life is short, man. Just enjoy the ride!"
http://www.theonion.com/content/news...urce=a-section
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