New S.W.A.T. Bonds

[dummass]

By Muhammad Rafeeq
THE FINAL ECONOMIC SOLUTION – S.W.A.T. BONDS
For Immediate Release – APF, Rueturs, Blumburg, Hustler
24/06/2009

At an upbeat press conference today economic holy man T.Geithner outlaid his new plans to save the Fed, the US$ and the entire US economy. At the core of this plan, aptly named the Messianic Utopian Payments Plan for Economic Turnaround (or MUPPET for short) lays a startling new concept in central banking finance: Geithner plans to turn all the current US economic woes away by simply eliminating all outstanding US debts, both public and private.
New Financial Product
A new financial derivative has been specially developed to finance this innovative and exciting MUPPET approach, called the Social, Welfare and Action Treasury government certificate, or S.W.A.T. bond. “Although the media spin has hyped this approach as revolutionary, this is nothing really a new in financial engineering and derivatives”, explains Geithner, “in fact many of the principles of this latest financial product are as old as the hills”.
How It All Works
“The first step will be to print out US$900 Trillion of SWAT bonds, each bond having a face value of US$1m” said Geithner, “and then the entire US population every man, woman, hermaphrodite and child will be legally required to take possession of 3 bonds each”. “In practical terms, and to save money, no paperwork will actually be produced, the Fed will just allocate US$3 million of debt to every US citizen using its computer systems” he continued.
Reverse Callable and Irredeemable
“And now we come to the first two special features of the SWAT bonds”, added Geithner, “One, these bonds are ‘reverse callable’ meaning that the issuer, the Fed, rather than the bondholder (the US population) can make calls for cash at any time and for any amount, until such time as the bond is fully paid up”. At this point a clearly beaming Geithner said, “Two, the Fed will be able to balance its books by making these bonds irredeemable, so the Fed will never have to pay anything back, ever”.
Not A Loan, A Gift
“For the first time ever the Fed will not have to borrow its way out of a debt chasm” a grinning Geithner said, “since the structure of these derivatives is such that there is no loan involved, technically and legally these bonds represent a non-tax deductable gift to the Fed. They’re marvellous”, gloated Geithner.
Quick On The Draw
“We have already devised ways and means of drawing cash out of the SWAT bonds from the bondholders, so that we can pay off the current debt mountain” Geithner stated, as he put on a pair of black leather gloves. “We have appointed a fund management company to handle the cash collections; the newly formed finance arm of the Blackwater Group called Scrotum, Pliers and Squeeze Handling Services.” At this point Mr. Geithner’s left hand appeared to move of its own accord and he had a great deal of difficulty bringing it under restraint with his right.
Ratchet Tactics
“After a bondholder has been placed on notice of a funds requirement, they will have 24 hours to pony up”, said a visibly drooling Geithner, “after which a ratchet system of collection, called Wide Ranging Extortion Network of Clenched Hooks, or WRENCH, will be deployed by specially trained Blackwater financial collection agents.” “Yes, yes” he added, “we will send Blackwater to wrench the money off you” and at this point Mr Geithner appeared to lose both his balance and voice, but an overview of WRENCH was given by an aide from a handout.
Wrenching Cash
Stage 1 – on expiry of 24-hour notice a Blackwater financial consultant will be knocking on your front door within 30 minutes, giving a final option for ‘easy’ payments
Stage 2 – failure to take up the easy payment option will escalate to a minor tasering, after which the consultant will undertake an expert appraisal of household items making a list up to the value of the outstanding required gift
Stage 3 – in the event that the household contents fail to meet the gift sum, then a mild tranquiliser will be applied to all members of the household whilst the consultant calls for assistance
Stage 4 – the arrival of WRENCH assistance will result in anything and everything that is not nailed down being removed for sale at auction without reserve
Stage 5 – in the highly probable event that the sum generated from a person’s entire worldly possessions do not cover a SWAT bond call, then a team of Blackwater WRENCH specialists will arrive at their home, down a rope from a helicopter, and the consultants will gently persuade the homeowner to sign over the title to the property. This will be followed by an instant eviction, carried out by the Blackwater team

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